2004-10-11 - 11:23 a.m.

last night was enjoyable.

it was a new girlfriends bday and i was playing the good wingman. at first we had 7 or more guys on the patio with only her and i for a couple of hours. what a relief when a few more other chromosomes arrived. i was holding court but stuck in quite a laugh over it. my crush M came and we had a nice time, but i felt like i was holding court a big too large for him. like i was being too social.

i'm curious to see if i scared him off, and if he'll actually call and make plans with me this week. i really want to feel safe that he'll pull some concrete triggers. and i don't mind if it's slow or drawn out, but i don't want grey matter. i want to feel it.

i really do like him.

and i know i'm such a cheat cuz i said i was done-r than DONE. and in truth, i still am. but in a cool surrendered way. in a way where i'm not willing to have it all effect me so much. i'm not placing anything on these curiosities. i'm keeping my life at the center and allowing doors to stay open around it. cuz slamming doors is just bitter and shows i'm irreparably hurt. which i thought i was. but now i feel something different.

i feel like very recently i've finally gotten honest about how much play i do. about how many defenses i have and how i haven't been genuine with this stuff for the last four years.

but i'm ready. i'm ready to keep being honest. i'm ready to let the door open and sit back an d see who shows up. and i'm also ready to change my entire thinking about myself in these relations and if someone needs to leave i'm ready to not allow it to destroy me and i'm willing to try to not take it personally and shut me down.

also the second crush whom i met at the vortex of brilliant luck (poolside at 'busy's' house) left a message last night. i'll call tonight. he just got out of something and i feel like he's just horny. i'll draw it out and slow it down. i did feel a great connection to him, but i'm not sure he's grown up enough.

i still don't know about ny. my guy hasn't confirmed the tix. i really want to go!! i'd leave this week, so shit i need to know.

the guy who is the friend of M is in nyc and has only called once. i told M about it, and made the impression that i wasn't into it. which i'm not. i was really only into it to fool around cuz he's sexy, but we definately didn't connect energetically/politically/personally. he didn't even dig that i do underground anarchists mini projects. he thought it was evil. fuckin pussy. if you don't get that, then you don't get me. end of story.

i don't like being judged like that. i felt judged by him. but i don't know what to say to him cuz he might need to know i'm "hanging" out with M. or not. i could just draw it out and keep missing him out of town and just let it float away. we'll see. i honestly don't even think he's that into me cuz i'm not into his cult forum bullshit. no offense to my dolls who have done the forum,,,i'm sure it's just keen, but he's really into it and i feel like something else takes over someones vision when they join groups that feed members new words, thoughts, priorities. i'm not someone who joins fucking anything. anti-joiner.

work..i feel like i need to balance this out so it's not so dood focused...work is good, i feel like i need to devote more genuine priority to my project and the design line because it's starting to feel like a mask. like something i have just so others know i have something going on. but its not fully actualized on a level that it is the way i support myself. i feel like there is still something within me that hasn't committed to it or believes i can do it or am somehow worth living that cool of a life.

getting there.

could you please go see
"what the bleep do we know"?

i do love you and care that you get this awsome perspective that that film gave me. it's nothing short of a mind revolution. i'm seeing it again on tuesday and this time i'm taking names and notes.

let me know when you've seen it and what you "think".