2004-10-10 - 3:47 p.m.

last night i regressed into immaturity with lizard cuz i couldn't take saying goodbye, so i caused an arguement. both of us are just the tough girls who can't sit with that quiet stuff. she left this morning and i jsut am awed by how someone is in this touchable gooey center of me.

god please keep her safe. i couldn't live thro it. i couldn't.

shit man i just did something adult.

i talked to crush one. let's call him M. mmmmm! delish!!!

i had it all planned to let go of him cuz i felt like i was getting rejected, fufilling the selfprophecy of getting rejected by the incredible guy who's totally taken by me, respects me, but just has some irrelevant reason, youth, irreverence, countries, who they can't.

i told him i felt that he was flip flopping. he said he wasn't at all and he wants to get to know me and take me to dinner and whatever, and that he'll back off if i want him to. i said that i like our connection and want to explore it and that it's been a while since i've been available and i'm just now admitting that to myself.

it's fucking amazing you guys. even while i'm conscious of my inner bs script about rejection, i'm still doing it. the layers are so deep. it was all a miscommunication. and i choose to see it as rejection. it was my strongest sensation. and i almost threw him out completely without a word from him out of icy fear. but i gave just this one pause for him to speak and he did and he completely showed up.

i also let him know about his friend, who is actually only an acquaintence. he said i should explore it if i want and let him know if it moves forward, i said i wasn't interested in him. so now i have to backtrack out of that, which i think will be quite easy.

i can't believe i let someone in just that much. it's been the first genuine inch i've given in over four years. since that x. the one when i started this journal way back. i had no idea how self protective my steal around me had become. all the games all of the sentances. all of the evasion. all of the false security in numbers.

i don't think i'm ready for much still, but i am ready to challenge this within me. it was odd today, i couldn't shake the feeling of rejection. it was so primal for me. so inherent. i felt it in my entire body. and i kept trying to choose something different. it'll take a lot of conscious work man. are you ready??

i am.