2004-10-09 - 3:43 a.m.

holy shit man. as if my crush-o-lufugus-ness couldn't get in any stickier!

i think all of it just spawns for this irresistable love of life i have.

that is, when i'm not trying to put my own light out.

i just have a lot of energy and thoughts and tanglings i love to share and ignite.

so the crush, whom i was really into, called the day after we hooked up. i returned the call, he didn't pick up.

then tonight, the debate party...he doesn't call until 11pm and wants to check in an hour to meet up. but i was enraptured by a brand spankin new crush so i was diffused. and crush 1 didn't ever call back!! which is disappointing to feel like i got put on the backburner or whatever happened. it hurts my feelings.
that aside, i have almost no right to feel hurt as i was poolside at my ex's talking alllll night to the most goregous intellegent young man i've met since my last crush - - whom i also met poolside at this ex's house.

it's like a fucking loaded vortex for me, chock full of good luck and tiddings. fuckin amazing. two for two at that place.

so this guy, at first glance i think, young actor, has nothing to say.

turns out he has a masters degree from an ivy league in bio-physics or bio-pysch and we're talking all night about brains and books and my wildest geekdom sensations are being filled to the brim. we finally cut out all the others in the conversations till it's us chatting the night away. then suddenly everyone has left the pool area (i found out later that my ex "busy" had told everyone to let us have some time alone, which i found so endearing that he's such a good friend to hook it up and go for the romance of it). so the guy leans in for a kiss. and it was soft and amazing. simply connected. but a funny thing happens with a guy. here we were connecting on major brain and chemistry levels, then it's just purely feeling physical. like it's all he can think about.

i think it's true, all of the blood rushes to their member and all real thoughts subside.

shit i'm really into this guy. but he's JUST gotten out of something. and he lived with her. and it's only been a month out and here's the shocker ..

HE'S YOUNGER.

what a surprise.

26. seems to be the magic number.

i had a great time talking to him. the way to my heart is truely through my brain. then you retain through tenderness.

i wonder if he will call. the guy who i'm going to nyc with was there, but he only saw us talking. i'm not sure where that one falls anyway. i hope nyc goes through becuz i'm feeling really jazzed about it. i feel like i need a little escape. i need to feel distanced and protected against this intimacy and inner challenge and potential for rejection.

i'm being really watchful of what i project into the situation. how i ruin it by protecting myself against hurt by throwing up impossible walls around myself. the new guy mentioned something about a party tomorrow night in my hood, and i said i had a few openings to go to and didn't really extend the invite. why bring sand to the beach yo. really, i'm also feeling like i certainly won't follow him to some party, i'd feel better if he set aside real time to hang out with me. but shit, i'm setting myself up for hurt. he's younger and he's just out of something. what am i doing??? and the other o.g. crush never seems to solidify either. and i never know what that's all about. i don't know if he's distracted by another or if he's afraid of getting committed into something....or if he's just unsure of me. i thinkit's option one or two. sometimes i just know.

but i'm letting it go. it's not about me. and as for me, i'm ready for the river, the adventure and i trust myself to leave potentially hurtful situations. i no longer want to set myself up for that repetitive rejection that i game. that i create. that i perpetuate. that i get a deep pay off from.

here's another thing. lizard is going to her motherland of peru on sunday or monday and right at this sleep deprived moment i'm feeling really uncomfortable about it. really uncomfortable. i'm not sure i can handle her being away for so long. and i'm not sure i can handle not being able to check in.

and i've had fears of loosing her. the world is so unstable, and it's . well it's a first time that i'm not sure i can live without someone. someone hasn't gotten in this deep within since my first bossom buddy when i was very little and maleable and easy to love.

i'm actually crying right now. she's just my other half. she's why i feel accessable to the world at all. and that night i had that nightmare that she got in the car accident on la brea in front of the strip club...it was primal and i couldn't stop crying. i cried myself to sleep and then would wake and start crying again. i left lunatic messages that she needed to sell her car immediately and get a volvo. i was going on one hour of sleep. but it's certainly awkward and wonderful to love someone so much. to have some one mean so much to me, to worry in the deepest places of myself of loosing her. i have truely been so self sufficient for years, that i could of been cut off from anyone possible and have easily lived the day past it.

and don't get any funny idea's nuggets. i'm not secretly in love. i just care deeply becuz beneath all of my disconnection is the tender availability for incredible connection. with her, i care so much that in the sweat lodge, in the pitch black, when her new guy, who is incredible, was saying sweet things about her, *i* started to cry out of happiness for her. i just hadn't had the capacity. i had this long arm holding everyone far away from me, with the rare exception of the hostage called a boyfriend that i'd smuggle in.

people really must think i'm wierd cuz i freely talk about how much i care. to a guy or something. i'll bring her up like a baby nuzzles on a security blanket. and i've heard her be the same exact way about me. ever since i was little i dreampt of someone calling me their *best* friend. someone once told me that that was immature, that everyone was of equal stature. but i held onto the idea that i wanted one best and i wanted someone to call me that. to have the security of knowing that about just one person on this earth.

i guess that might be why i instinctually haven't let someone purely in...becuz of this out of control sensation that it might be taken. not from her. i know we will also be side by side. but from the world. from the unpredictable nature of occurances. i just couldn't imagine. i'm going to be worried sick. thank god peru seems to be a safe country. the good part is that for a few days of it, i may be in ny so that will pass it. i just don't like not being able to talk at all.

k. shit. i'm going to go read myself to sleep and hope the nightmares subside. (every night i've dreampt of being chased. of terrorists slaughtering everyone and i escape and i have to hide and fly just above their gripping fists. it's all about hiding and running.)

tiddings.