2004-10-07 - 8:24 p.m.

things have gotten odd in these little matrixy drama's of mine.

tomorrow night i will be at my ex's for a debate party i'm co=hosting and this fantastic guy who i'll be in nyc with next week is coming and the guy i formerly had a crush on who i kissed last night will be there i do believe.

and i had kissed his friend two nights previous. and my friend had spent her entire night picking up on my formerly known as crush the night of his bday.

i know
it's a mess.

the crush wasn't pulling the trigger so his friend asked me out, we went out. i like him, atotomically. but i don't think we click for anything more than fun.

then low and behold the crush finally comes through and we go to a movie and he kisses me. and the two presumeably don't know about the other.

i'm really into the crush and want to give that a chance. thank god the other guy is out of town right now for at least a week. then i'll be out of town.

back to that...my new good friend H is doing this awards show and offered me to go and even scored a free ticket from their travel sponsor. so that's just about fucking keen!!! i'm so excited to be in nyc in the fall and to go to some cool events. shit i think i'll even be there for cmj which rocks my socks.

and the crush may also be in nyc at that time. no doubt H my inviter has a crush on me, but i feel that he is too old for me, coming in at around 40ish-46 i'd guess. incredible human being who just lights me up. we are like effervescent kids around eachother. and he's incredibly political like me.

that other guy and i got into it about politics and he thinks i'm judgemental, which i fuckin am. shouldn't everyone be judging the state of the world right now? anyway. maybe he's over me anyway.
sheeet. this could get sticky.

in the meantime i'm trying to be an adult and not throw up walls to the crush with whom i'd like to give it a chance. but underneath all of this i'm still feeling unattached and give a fuckedness of that bottom i hit with this. i could easily call it all off and be just fine.

i can't wait for nyc.

i'll probably try to do some buyer apptments while i'm there. ya know me!