2004-09-29 - 1:38 p.m.

yesterday was a knock out. i did my last client until 11.30pm. while i was sick none-the-less.

so the silly reason i tripped out yesterday was because i feel very unpicked again. sound fucking five-years of familiar? shit. and i feel how others see me and it makes me dark inside to know how very different it is from how i see me, how i relate to me, and how i let others ultimately relate to me.

that guy i *was* interested in is having a party this weekend and his e-invite was froth with flirtatious females rsvping with xoxo's and innuendo's and sick with 'invite hot girls' etc. and i thought he was well beyond that. so once fucking again i feel disappointed from the illusion i once held about someone. so fucking many and i say it and i think it all the time, that this is the last, that i give up, that i'm taking time off. but i'm feeling it on the inside now.

i feel like i've COMPLETELY given up.

i'm DONE. done with curiousities, done with hope, done with dating.

i know i need to fill up "me" first anyway. because i sustain no sense of self value long enough for anyone else to hold it about me. i just so often fucking hate myself. and today it's all i've been dwelling in. it's wierd cuz i don't get lost anymore...i don't recind into the bowels of my apartment, but i have gotten consummed by how much i hate myself. i'm suffocating under these notions about myself. and i don't numb out to quiet them, so they are just there at varying volumes.

and i feel hopeless about my business, cuz i'm always meeting people who have done the same and say they worked 80 hours a week only to break even after 3 years and then i hear how much they dumped into their business, and it's quadruple what i've invested and i still can barely pay bills. and this is despite the fact that i have pretty stealth contacts and i keep getting into great stores, i still feel hopeless. like it'll never sustain. the orders will never be enough to carry my bills and it'll just be some cute hobby that impresses people but never really flys. like almost every radical thing i do. it blows people away just enough for my ego then i run and hide in the corner so i don't have to be really accountable and i never ever ever actually stick with something.

all i hear from people are the negatives, that 80 or 90% of these biz's fail in the first year and that no one makes money or that people are lucky to last past 3 seasons. and about the competition and about how sick and conieving the industry is and how fake people are.

but here's how i figure it from that shyte place:
i've worked many times in the supposedly most altruistic industries possible (gads of non-profits of all sorts, environmental, women's health, teaching), and i find politicing and disgust going on even in those places. so pick your game and just stay in. or drop out.

but i'm scared to committ myself and committ the energy and love and never ending time and money becuz of this idea of it inevitably failing. even my fucking therapist drove this point home about how most fail. fucking pissed me off. as if i needed more of a reality check than the one reeling constantly in my fucking head.

some days everything feels incredible, and some days everything feels doomed.

but here's what i know:
i'm exhausted from the prospect of intermingling with the male species and i swear by the ash's of my grandmother that i am done. i am done with hope. i am done with dating. i am done with giving anyone a fucking chance. and the only withholding exception to this rule is finding a good, absolutely non attached lover whom i respect and the sex is incredible and we are not bonded beyond the physical and i'm okay even seeing him with another and he pursuits the situation and the sex is consistent.

other than that, which is simply a physical need taken care of, i am done.

done. no matter what. i'm committing like nothing before to letting it go absolutely and completely. so hear not about the cute new guy or the super crush i met. they are hence forth falling in a quick sand far beneath my cognition.

in other news....after i don't know how many years of not speaking about it, i finally talking to my last standing college friend from the days of torture and talked to her about it. she had felt very pushed away over the years and the reason was becuz i threw her out becuz she was friends with those bastards who tortured me with cruelty saved for war and death camps not colleges.

i got honest with her and we had an amazing conversation.

i took some friends to a screening of 'the motorcycle diary's' which is simply incredible. it's delish.

it's odd becuz i'm starting to know many people in this town, the circles are closing in on me and people who are ten years my senior and locked into the city turn to look at me and say damn you really know a lot of people. it just so happens. i'm not sure how it has happened. i'm really good with keeping in contact. that's why it's so hard for me to leave here. i have the luxury of comfort. anyway. i'm currently avoiding what work i have to do right now. i'm panicked over getting a ticket dropped and lowering my insurance, it's the last thing i ever want to fucking do with my time and yet the deadline is today. god damn it.