2004-10-02 - 8:24 p.m.

god damn, i've been having social anxiety lately when i'm getting ready to go out. i think it's cuz i'm aware that the places i've been going feel full of expectations. like i have to look good cuz it's sure to be a scene. actually i've always felt this, this is an internal pressure.

tonight is one of those. last night, another.

last night i went to an opening of a friends gallery, then the most jewish deli in lalaland and then to meet a friend at dan tana's party, which p. hilton was at. that's two for two. that was dying down and erratic and it actually smelled like foul bathroom in the entire space. odd. then to the infamous spider club to meet up with friends, and as usual that place was full of cotton candy, cute, no substance.

tonight there's some rocker charity thing that i have to meet up with a friend at a certain time to go with them down some carpet and i'm sure i'll feel awkward as i'm shuffled to the side waiting while they are blazed by dozen's of bulbs and questions. then i have to meet with the turk and another to go to that boy with whom i previously had a crush's party. we'll see how this will all work out. i'm mainly going to the charity thing to network for the line. i would skip half the shit i do otherwise. i'd recluse a lot more. it's just such a pressure with all of these women who can really afford to dress and what is underneath rich threads is particularly perfect as well. that's okay, it's not the real world. it's LA.

i bet it doesn't feel that way in ny. i'm told it's so much more accepting. it's pretty sick here, it deserves all of it's generalizations. and yet there's an energy, constant activities.

the worst part is that i have to balance all of this with being grounded. tomorrow i get up at 7.30a.m. to pick up lizard et al. to drive two hours norte to do a sweat lodge with my sweat friend. i've been missing them for months and really need it for my own path. i need whatever lesson it brings. it's all of my friend's first time doing it. brave. i'm nervous about that as well. they can be very intense. can bring on primal sensations that can overwhelm. my first one was the best one ever.

and i'm also a bit worried, cuz the thing is really hot and just today i took a hot bath and nearly passed out (still getting over the ill and maybe it was these meds). my heart was racing.

i really do just want to get this whole thing right. i want to keep my career steady. i want to accept love inside and i want to meet a really good partner.

and i've stayed true to my bleek, hopeless oath to no longer obtain crushes, dates or flirtations of any sort.

fuck i don't know what to wear tonight.
ten years from now will i even remember tonight?