2004-09-07 - 7:08 p.m.

i'm feeling like such crap shit.

i feel depressed this afternoon, almost like i felt before. and i've eaten into my mood. i'm sitting here sweating my balls off and am feeling sad.

honestly, i just feel fat. and i feel ultimately not good enough to be loved.

after feeling stellar and meeting this new guy, i now feel like i'd never stack up. he's doing quite well with work and i just feel like he'd loose physical interest as i age and pudge out. and i already feel too pudgy. i feel so big in my stomache. i'm tall and thinish, but when i sit i feel like there's four tires compressing at the center. amazing how yesterday i felt so confident and sexy and today i feel like an unworthy wreck. i feel like someone would never maintain a liking for me. he was the most interesting guy i've met in a while. we just sat and talked for fucking hours. and there was attraction. and he didn't feel the need to get shitty. i think he's adorable and yet i want to fuck him off becuz i feel like i'm not up for the examination. i feel like i'll loose so why try. and i'm feeling defeatist and sad and i just ate too much and i want to throw up and now i can't becuz of that fucking medication.

and i'm pretty freeked out about money since i got canned/quit. i've been dumping money into the biz and i just have no plans for bills next week. and forgot about my clients yesterday and basically am extremely underbooked this week. i'm freeked out man. i have to pay my manufacturer for the last order and this next big one.

i'm supposed to be working into the night and i feel too awful to do anything productive, then i'd normally fuck it off and then really sink low in a self beating punishment becuz i wasn't productive. i'm feeling tired and irritated and i should go to yoga tonight but i think it'll ruin me.

god damn i feel moody. and i'm irritated becuz a friend was having a stupid dood emergency and had to talk during my work day for ooo i don't know three hours. and for nothing. just becuz i don't go to an office doesn't mean i don't have fucking work to do. my friends treat me like a personal daily disposal. they just shovel it in no matter how much i tell them i have work to be doing. it makes me have to stop answering the phone. unbelieveable. and i need therapy this week, but think i have to cancel it becuz i'm dirt poor. and some where hovering above my head is the thousands i owe for that settlement/subpoena. this is just such a fucker of a day.

i'm over it. if i could get drunk on red wine and call it.