2004-09-06 - 10:57 p.m.

I feel obligated to work tonight even though it�s the last thing someone should do on �labor day�. An official day off for all. Except those who work in convenience stores.

I�m irritated becuz the party tonight has ended earlier and I just can�t transition well from utter enjoyment into the perils of responsibility.

I just met a guy and I want to call him. what an amazing day and night it turned out to be. I feel bad now for being harsh with lizard. We got into it quick like sisters. Arg. What a joy kill after my killer day. And she calls me back to say, no this is all you etc. which never really works for people.

Fuck I�m having unbelievable resistance to settling in tonight. I want to go cause sick amounts of trouble. I�m all rallied up. Spending time with this guy got me high as a kite. He�s actually amazing. The thing is, he came to this bbq with this other guy I have a crush on and half way through he and I are exclusively chatting until the sun is down and we are now deep in conversation and he starts with those extra special little touches.

Here�s the hilarious part: I met his mom a while ago. She�s one of the reasons I�m doing the business I�m doing. She prompted it in her own spastic way at the pizza shop. She�s a complete nut, but when she described her son I thought what a fucking guy. But I also thought he sounded too good for me and also unavail with some girl. But now he�s here from nyc and the girl must be out of the picture. He�s pretty fucking amazing, and I�m sure I�ll be disappointed,�wait, stop. I�ve got to stop digging romantic graves and just trust this. See we met at busy�s pool party. That guy I dated. I was afraid to go and feel uncomfortable, but several of my crew were there and I had an incredible time then I get all tangled up with him. he wants to go out this week. To the planetarium. The only other human being that goes to the planetarium. I love it. He�s younger.

Of course.

By two years. And apparently he�s a director. Which sends me to two places: a. he�ll have trouble working and will just talk about films and not really do anything. B. he�ll actually work and do well and leave me in the dust for some young actress that crushes on him. and of course they would, he�s young, good looking and the man on the set. Sickening. Hi..jump ahead much?

We clicked like I just haven�t in ages. The attraction, but also mad ass conversation. Politically and spiritually and geek thought wise. I love that he grew up in seattle and spent a lot of time in nyc and pictures me there well. I like that I met his mom and know the low down on it already. I like a damn lot and I�m shocked. I like that he�s really asserted himself in the world and is interested in being a man and yet said he likes to learn from someone rather than always teach. He likes someone to challenge him. an equal. Very interesting.

here's the thing. i want to protect myself against disappointment. because i want this new one to mean something. i want a boyfriend. i want it all. but i have to sit back and trust, becuz i felt that with busy and i saw with my own two tonight that i would of been sold short. he's just not right and he's so busy. and i was so concerned about it. dood. i jsut need to let go and live in the flow of the river and let it carry me away.

I�m dreading the fact that I have so much work and catch up to do tomorrow and I accidentally forgot about my clients today and didn�t accept work yesterday and that�s hundreds I lost at a time I can not afford it. It makes me seething with guilt and mild panic. Fuck I�m going to have to take a loan out. I don�t know what else to do. I�ve used bill money for the business. Again. I had an incredible first order the day after my bday. It got me jocked up on doing this thing. Really excited.

When I meet someone with such a life, it presses me to perform and that just makes me ache with anxiety. Can�t I just feel enough. Just as is?

I surfed this morning. It felt so right. It�s been so long. I also bought a mattress and got 1,000 off the price by dropping the box spring and going for a platform bed. And by begging. And maybe the miniskirt helped. It�s a sick comfortable bed. But I won�t have a frame until I can afford it. How ghetto, I�ll be sleeping on the floor. And I don�t know about swinging some sheets in. hmmm. The enjoyable life of a ghetto super star.