2004-09-05 - 6:58 p.m.

we will have to speak about my bday in a three part story.

part one: it's my party and i'll cry if i want to.

all of the sudden i become obsessed with custom silk screening t's for lizard and i to wear at the party. it's two hours till go and i'm on the floor covered in paint, sweating and stubbornly trying "just one more fucking time." finally i abandon the efforts and attempt to get ready and i'm rushing around fighting against time while my cousin asks every five minutes in a new outfit, do you like this one? what do you think about this. and the very first one was stunning and here i am on MY birthday, not ready and mounting a panick attack. lizard comes to pick us up and i run out to the car showing her option one and two and i start in, "i'm not in a good place, i look like shit i can't find my fucking makeup i can't find it, it's no, not even mascara" etc. until i'm screaming and telling them to go without me and deliver the list or we'll loose our backroom priority and bla bla. lizard handles me like a pro, goes down to the lounge to hold the fort, while i run up and change and carve out a little quiet time without cousin asking persistent insecure q and a about her outfit.

i arrive late to a bunch of people who are appallingly on time and a crew of brits who had busted in singing happy bday to the bday girl who was not in attendance.

part duex: we're tigra and we're bunny and we like the boom.

once i simmered down i was spinning in a wild assortment of friends from all corners of my world joining together to fuse in odd combinations. many of my ex's were there, which made for strange pairings with current friends. my stylist gfriend paired with my last french adventure who looked hot. that guy i called busy hit on my girlfriend the turk. who flirted all night with me.

it was a consumming pawtee. i had a great time. they brought in a burt and ernie cake and i made a speach about lizard. cuz it was a party for bday and for a congrats on my project that went through (why i went to ny in july).

highlight: getting borred with the guys and dirty dancing with the turk. i feel safe tempting the edge with her and i loved that this conservative set of my friends were in the room to take witness. eat it babes. those friends are peripheral pals i don't care for as much as my tru crew.

lowlight: not having a place to roll after the place shut down becuz my cousin went home to my pad up the street to sleep and occupied my zone.

part three: the after party.

still feeling frisky i power walked and met the new brit even tho i knew he was hopped up on coke. he came to the party and kept insisting on a bday kiss, which i would not indulge. i wanted people to wonder, but not outright know. so i go to brits and he is now at a stage of comfortably ugly and i see the baggy. let's break this down no shall we. i remember that i have work the next day and an apptment with a fantastic buyer. and the truth is when i looked that the quantity it wasn't enough to peak interest. if i were to go out like that i would take a brick, not a fucky miniscule left over baggy. nigga plzz.

i took the bag to my face and smelled it. as if i wasn't convinced of what it was. and that chemical whiff over took my senses like an assualt. it all felt so shattered. he was like a million little pieces shoved together, bloated from the drinking, eyes drowning. i had to see it all. i knew i was touching the fire, but there's always this curiousity about me, this edge i like to ride. i enjoy watching it. i enjoy knowing yet another part. i said i had to leave and he called a car for me. before that he shoved his tongue in my mouth and spooned it around like briskly stirred in cream. it felt like a stiff, branch of tree forcing itself into me. it felt unconnected. the driver drove me the four whole blocks to my place where the party ended quaint and soberly.

part four: post post. the presents

apparently my friends think i'm a real tard that won't grow up as their gifts reflect. they got me strange toys. like a race car necklace and an ugly stuffed animal in pink underware..what? and the worst of all a 99cent store jelli candles with shells sunk at the bottom like an older woman from idaho would done in her bathroom next to the fuzzy klenex cover. with that came underwear cut big butt style and a romance cd and some sugar dip candy. huh? hillarious. the worst of it is that i have no idea who any of it is from so i have no one to pin it on. when i received the gifts i tossed them aside and threw others cards in with them, so they became a mess.

part whatever, i've lost track:

the night after i'm still frisky after stirring up all my party juices and yet having no true release. so cousin and i go to a party in the hills with the turk. they get shitty drunk and we flirt with every adorable there. the turk and i got a lill nasty on the dance floor again. the hosting house is this amazing smaller styled out pad with sick views of the entire lay of the land below.

i decided to wear this low cut top that isn't my style because it's a bit girly for me but i purposely wanted to tease turk as she's a sucker for the boobs. and what i learned is that these fuckers are my secret weapon. they are two ready bombs ready to bring it down.

hadn't known.

at one point the turk starts feeling them and demanding that my cousin and i go into the bathroom to play a game of i'll show you mine. they are draggin me in and demanding to show my fair. i wouldn't only the bra. haha. what a tease.

then i meet this young guy. shock! and we go outside and he says the typical bs about noticing me right away and about us going on an adenture. we went for a walk and made out. he's fucking adorable. i could hardly take it. everything he says is with this devil may care sauve. and here's where it gets all mixed up.

my cousin and the turk are both engaged. both are tempting fate flirting with individual disasters while i am deciding to leave with this boy.

my cousin has this one guy bring her home so i can leave and the turk, piss drunk confesses to me in the bathroom that she gave this long time crush a special treat. yuck. then she says for the fifth time in the night that she wishes we could just be girlfriends and forget about the boy complication. she's saying it in jest..but i think if in jest more than three times qualifies for some reality. i love the idea of having a girlfr when i want and dating guys. peerrrrfect. playful. i don't care if or when she's with guys, but my ears perk if i hear her talking to another woman. wierd like that.

i go home with the guy and we make out and we have sick chemistry and have a go a few times. it was fun. i stayed over, had another run in the morning and when he dropped me off he asked for my number and i was hesitant in a wierd way and then he asked if he passed the test (as my love slave) and i was non commital about it. because i was feeling a distance from him in the morning and was feeling bummed because i wanted pure assurance that we were going to maintain the right to do this often. it was that immediate post physical bonding. i really wanted more more more. he's perfect for me right now. has a real job, sexy as fuck. aloof. smart. kept saying how unbelievably sexy i was. and was obsessed with my boobs. lord i'll never wear that shirt again, he couldn't get enough. now i feel like an ass cuz i gave him the impression that i didn't care and i don't have his number, he has mine. i wonder if he really just wanted a one night stand or more. anyway i have two friends i can get his number or email from, and i have an excuse. i want to sample his ring he claims he got from a slurpee years ago. i really want to see him again. i want to flirt up a storm and with hold and tease and release. also i really do want to sample that hot ring. i'll wait a week then unleash.