2004-09-01 - 9:11 a.m.

i was about to tell you how much odd fun i'm going to have at my party because it will be teaming with once tangled with boys. we can ask the party, raise your hand is you've kissed ineb. it could be real fun.

i was about to tell you how happy and excited i am, until i called my fucking leather manufacturer and he was sour for the first time. berating me for not being able to get ahold of my yesterday when he tried twice. dood, i *did* have to go earn money ya know. then he said he has to show me some stuff and hints at not being able to do the work. then he said he's out of this one hide and i ask if it was used for someone elses work and he then is really pissed and says he doesn't like this he doesn't want to do the work because he is honest.

one thing i've learned: do not under any circustances attach a latin mans character.

ever.

but it's fuckin impossible. why the living fuck would he only be able to make three god damn belts out of a 25 foot hide? he made SEVEN before out of the same size. i'm so pissed off. these are the little things that really snag me. with my other big project i kept my eye on the ball through so many hoops. and yes i have stuck with this, but my spirit has quit a thousand times and i've rallied back up. why is this so difficult. it seems impossible to keep a manufacturer. it seems impossible to keep prices low enough. impossible for me to finish these samples and send them to nyc for the trade show application. and it feels impossible that i would get in.

even tho they were used for five shoots yesterday and another today. even tho *another* posh store employee wants me to make an appointment with the buyer. it's all there. everyone wants me to get up to bat, but i am constantly feeling like someone is swiping my bat and balls.