2004-09-01 - 12:24 a.m.

v - it ended because he chickened out and wasn't ready to move here. he kept stringing me along, becuz he really wanted to be ready, but ultimately didn't have the cohoones. (its all in my entries, but i accidentally stored it somewhere, have to dig it up).

no balls man.

no balls.

and my friend said, 'don't judge a person by what they say, judge them by what they've done.' and honestly he has acted the kid. he never has grown up, still had his mom faxing shit for him. wasn't proactive...

we had an incredible love. and it ended when i walked past immigration with both of us sobbing and my heart begging for him to just fucking chase after me and propose right there in line, in front of all of those people. as i crossed the marker where unticketed people aren't allowed, my heart froze, my body froze. he didn't come. i had to keep moving. i sat inside sobbing uncontrollably until a woman came up and tried to pour the pieces of me back together. i was like a bag of sand, too heavy to board a flight far from a heart that felt so right for me. far from the first family that i felt unconditionally loved by. not just loved but i felt them being utterly prowd of me, utterly happy to have me join the family. this man made me laugh so hard i peed my pants at least twice. he's the first person i've taken home for the holidays.

i constantly felt his hesitation. i constantly felt this pulling in. and i interpretited that it was because i wasn't enough. because i wasn't sexy enough, or this or that. i kept tap dancing. i kept trying to just be enough. and i don't ever want to do that again. not for a day. not for a fucking day. i want my tits to fall to my knees, and i want to be loved. i want to fart in my sleep and i want to be loved.

i just feel that even though he talked about wanting to be here. talked about ending things with her. talked about us...that there is still who he is, which is someone without cahoones.

so yesterday, after talking to him, i wrote him an email that basically said it was great speaking to you, say hi to the family, best of luck in all your pursuits. it was very 'wrapping things up' instead of 'ramping things up'. it just felt right to do.

i'm sure that part of my fanatical love was lodged in fantasy. the fantasy created by miles. and somewhere inside i needed to feel unwanted. i needed to feel like i was running fast to make myself enough for someone to choose me.

the funny part is, a month after we broke up we were invited to be flown to a remote area for a travel show together. i had said if we ever got a call to agree immediately because it's five star, all expenses. i didn't want to do it, but we went and it was like hanging out with a drunken brother and not a lover. the spark i had was smuthered by the hurt and disappointment that i sensed coming everytime we were passionately together.

he hasn't written me back. i imagine he's disappointed by my clarity and resolution. i'm sure he wanted to flirt with the fantasy of me to retain an option outside the confines of his exhisting life. i'm not here to be someones escape. i'm a real live woman who wants to be loved by a real live man.