2004-08-29 - 11:52 p.m.

you guys, particularly you who have seen me through the "ben years," my heart is aching right now.

or i'm hormonal.

so i called ben's home in brighton and left a message on his parents line to say that i'd love if ben called and that i no longer have his number. he just happened to be in brighton that weekend and just happened to get home and check the message himself and call me right away.

i have to say. i'm obsurdly tripped out. i miss the muther fuck out of him. and he "got the borring parts out of the way first" and bombed me with the news that HE'S LIVING WITH SOMEONE. are you kidding me? like sand sifting through a bucket, it took a while to reach the bottom of me, but when it hit, it hasn't felt nice. it feels thick and suffocating. drowning. living. as in she's more important than me. does he love her? now i'm riddeled with questions. he said that it's not working out and it's wierd to be talking to me now cuz he idolizes us and he's looking for his own place. the reason its not working out? becuz they have nothing in common. she actually dated his friend for two months first then him. wierd. wierd. she's older than him. older than me -pheeew!! i told him about my brit that reminds me of him that i'm newly dating. he said he couldn't hear any more about it. at one point he threw in that he doesn't really want to live in england and i joked about living here and he said he loved it here, that its a great place to live and i said that many brits live here. and there we went.

we talked as if we never left off. the energy, chemistry was wide alive. even though had ended sour. and there is evidence on national television (not a reality show a travel show, long story).

he said two months ago he googled me and heard about my non profit job on the net. it flattered me that he was looking me up. i admitted that i had been thinking about him and was shocked that he had never gotten in touch after all of these years. he said he was respecting my wishes, that i had said i didn't want to speak and that when i end something i like a clean break. but i meant that we couldn't talk right away, but that we could eventually.

what *really* hurt is when i said yeah call me anytime and he said that would be diffficult and i stammered over why, until he hinted that he couldn't call cuz of her. it set everything in stone in my mind. it made her real and it made her more important. and they live together and have sex together and share things. i'm baffled. i've never lived with someone. i'm feeling so hurt.

i

was

so

in

love.

sick with love. beaming with happiness. every picture of me was sparkling. and yes there was drama cuz of the whole country thing and yes i felt strung along by him wanting to be here then pulling back and having no intentions of moving here. it hurt. immensely. i guess you forget all of that under the glaze of missing someone.

have i ever stopped loving him?

i love him and his entire family. i've never felt so accepted by any family in my life. if his family likes that girl and accepts her in, then that's it, i never want to speak with him again.

i just wonder if this is real.. if i still love him this much, or if it's a long lasting excuse to not engage fully in my life. to have a respit to run to, an imaginary exhistance. it's just that when i met him, that weekend in boston, i thought that i couldn't believe the world would bring me this guy, that experience to take it away. and so it lasted, one year. and came to the end flying over white peaks of iceland. and that sorror.

he wants me to email him. he asked when i'm coming to england again. i said maybe if my business does well i will at some point for a buyers trip. i don't know if i should put all of this abruptly out of my head, by any means necessary, or if i should email him. i feel like its wrong. i feel like he needs to step up. that he never did. i feel like i'd need to be pursuited. i feel like it's an infringement on his current situation to engage in word play. i don't feel right about that, and after all this is another woman with feelings.

it makes me want to throw myself into the situation with the current brit. as some sick and twisted self protection. protection from this insane yearning i'm having right now.

it could never work. it was just one conversation. i need to leave it on the shelf upon which it was left. i wonder what he'd think if he knew that i've thoughtlessly kept the thing he made on my windowsil until it melted. it's now forever coagulated onto my window. you know the minute i'm done typing i'll have to go look at old pictures.

on the phone i felt myself trying to impress him. i had felt like i was always trying to make him love me enough. i was always tap dancing. i was always trying to be hip enough, styled, cute, gregarious...enough. now in my life with men i feel generally enough, and i'm rarely with someone who challenges me anyway. aaaa. it's so complex. why can't i get off that island?

in other news...i had a financial binge today. for most girls that would mean shoes, a purse, for me it was an all-in-one faxer, scanner, copier, printer! i dropped rent dime on it and i'm freeking. i was mearly on a powerwalk when i ended up at the outdoor mall and bought some t'shirts and then all of the sudden i'm carrying a four foot box several blocks then boarded a bus home.

it's wireless. i wish i could of afforded that cute super small computer and a black berry/phone unit and new speakers.

i'm feeling like i don't know what to do with myself right now. i feel like i have a void inside that is screaming out for something and i have a feeling that what is inside is insatiable. i feel like nothing but holding ben right now would make this right, and then i wonder if that really happend, if that would, in actuality, feel all wrong.

i hate that he lives with someone and probably says he loves her. enough at some point to have decided to live with her. its heartbreaking. and that they have nothing in common, did we? do we? i felt like he was a perfect companion, but really do we? all i knew at the time was that i was cross-eyed i was so fucking in love. and maybe i've loved him just the same ever since.

now i have to do everything in my power to forget all of that. where is that sunshine erase your memory thing when i need it. but would i erase all that beauty and all of that feeling loved and all of that adventure? i would just want to erase the hurt. the sensation that pulls at me right now. this longing and this wondering if he is it and it never will be.