2004-08-28 - 10:29 a.m.

i'm so sick of feeling left out of the drinking. even though what i'm doing still feels completely right for me. aaa the hangovers and throwing up and perpetual recovery. the guilt. the wondering what i did, what i said.

my work is too important to me to add in a bit of fuel to this flame. i don't want to screw it up.

i can't believe i'm not in nyc. iwas too exhausted to motivate the day i would of had to decide. and let's face it, i so broke, it ain't no joke. i'm so broke i don't even have debt spending available, as i think all of my cards are currently maxed! if i didn't use my bonus miles for that asshole who was helping me with my line. or if i acted fast and took that free ticket. DAMN IT. it's historic and i'm missing it.

so last night i was thinking the brit would be in casual work clothes and i would feel over dressed. i walked in to find my self joyfully surprised. he was in this incredible jacket with a white button up and sexy jeans. he looked incredible. the spot is a very upscale place. it was a nice meal. several people i've dated note how comfortable i am with myself and how honest i live my life. or something like that. he should of seen me moments before when i was having my outfit crisis. wasn't so confident and in my skin then. but i did notice how much more comfortable i am in settings than when i was dating at 25.

it was really cute, at one point in dinner he was talking about something and we looked into eachothers eyes and he completely forgot what he was saying. for some reason the whole eye connection is pretty powerful between us. we came back to my place and got a little frisky. then he left. i'm not spun on it tho. he's a great guy. what i like is that he dropped out of school and started his career early and has a pretty incredible one at that. i love people who fuck off school and know what they want. i like that he's pretty adorable and it kills me that he looks so much like my ex from england. it unfurls me.

what i don't like is that he is a complete drinker. i mean he had his drinks lined up. at one point he had an older beer, a new one ordered and dinner wine all on the table. damn would we be a pair if i were drinking. what disasterous fun and illness. he doesn't own a car currently because he doesn't like to drink and drive. he has a bike. he bikes to work. i don't like that he doesn't seem too political. i don't like that he just got out of something five months ago and it came to a ruin because she spiralled down from a cocaine habit. she is out of the state and coming in two weeks to pick up her crap from his place. he lives up the street from me. i don't like that he grew up in surrey, which is a very posh area, even tho he sounds like he grew up in a somewhat normal upbringing. but he also commented how his hands haven't seen a day of hard labor. what i loved about ben was that he was a total fashion pansy, but then he knew home repair and got dirty with me. and i'm not sure the sex will be very good. brits seem pretty straight forward in the sac. jump on top and pump away. boorrrriinnng. i don't need kinky. but i do need seduction. i need a build up.

i do like his age. this one is only 1 1/2 to 2 years younger. and he does have a life. he's carved out a space in the world for himself. and i like that he goes back to england a lot.

so i get the feeling that he thinks we are going to join in happy union. but there's no way i can be with someone who drinks so much and taps out. i don't want to live my moms life again. waiting for disappointment. not being enough to stay home for. disappearances. calls from the cops. dragging him out of the bar and putting him on a plane when his father was dying. having to be the mom, the man, the everything. taking it all on. why can't i find my fit? does it just not exhist? is it impossible. i am an unlikely breed, so i must just be an impossible puzzle piece to match. impossible.