2004-08-23 - 8:08 p.m.

so the brit is too busy with work this week. and understand, in his industry, they hand over their lives on certain weeks.

i spent over 200$ on bra's today and now i'm feeling really frisky!!

last night i felt that subtle sexual tension with downtown. i notice that i insist on sitting next to him. then there was this ever so subtle placing of my feet on him, which he tucked between his legs. like a slight intwining. i'm not good with suspended desires because of consequences.

lizard is doing something special for my bday and she wants me to take the whole day off. i can't take it!! i can't handle being treated. i can't take being given to in such a gentle way that she will. it's that caring. it sneaks in when my defenses are down and makes this maliable, vunerable part of me tickle with fear. like last night as i was dozing in and out of sleep during the poetry show lizard nuzzled in and pretended to be the cat and whiskered me some lovin. and i loved it, but i felt like iwasn't allowed to enjoy it. like i would combust if i let someone love me when i didn't have my dukes up.

god damn, i hate florescent lighting in dressing rooms. i got to critique all of my 2000 parts and wonder why the fuck my boobs droop so much and why i feel so unsvelt. god damn. i'm so jealous at those svelt, toned bodies. and then i just have to love up on myself anyway.