2004-08-21 - 1:09 a.m.

i'm 'feeling so frisky.

if i had some one to cause trouble with right now, i would be raising hell.

it's difficult having a really good male friend and refrain from sleeping with him to retain the friendship. it's not that i'm into downtown, but we have so much fun and we flirt and he's so young and in shape. when we watch movies i always make him play with my hair. when i brought that guy last week he was a bit withdrawn. but he was in a bad mood all day.

on another note. i have to loose that other guy. he's too clingy. needs too much from me. i figured since he was young, he'd be safe. but he rocks long term talk too much. and i'm not into the sex. it was just another passing fancy and i feel horrible and i don't know how to extricate myself. i feel like a human hurricane brassing through the lives of others. i'm just utterly over it.

it makes me not want to meet anyone, becuz none seem to stick. i piss through it like water on a rafting course. level five.

but last night a crew of us went to a spot down the street and i met someone new. we made eye contact right when i walked in. adorable. then we smiled. and later i went outside to wait for another friend and he came out and struck it up. later he said i knocked him out with my eyes and asked me to stop looking into them because it was driving him crazy. it sounds horrid now, but it was endearing then. he's british and he reminds me of an older version of ben. i misssss ben. i'm a sucker for the brits. sucker. that accent. the difference of upbringing. he's somewhat a real adult and has a real job. he said he'd wait the obligatory few days to call me, then he'd ask me out for next week. he was funny. i enjoyed him. i enjoyed standing near him.

i thought about him all day today.

then he called and said he couldn't wait and asked me out for this weekend. what a trip. i have plans for sat and sunday is off limits as it's family tradition to do make believe stir fry and hang with lizard and dt. this week were playing sharades and watching six feet. so we may go out monday night. he travels back to london every few months for work. my mind jumped ahead to him taking me back and me just calling ben out of the blue. wouldn't that be insane? i like this guy. but i liked the last eight too. i'm infuriating.

impossible.

helpless.

i picked up pieces from my manufacturer today and i wanted to remember the feeling. once i get caught up in the business and the sheen fades away, i want to recall that sensation. that amazing feeling. the raw excitement and contentment of making things.

i have no idea if the stuff will sell. but i like them. a lot. and i get comments. i will be entering my first trade show next week. sending off the packet. then the real risk begins. wagering it all on whether i'll place orders or not. whether it'll sell. because it costs fuck-all to enter those things. what a ride. i knew i was in for it and i like the gamble, the high, the abnormality. but it's a very particular type of anxiety i don't think i've ever experienced.

hmmmm. i like this guy. i hope he doesn't get possessive and take up too much space too soon. see that's the problem is not only do i let it happen, i encourage it. i fold them in. i suck them in. i need too much of the touch and the snuggle and the merging. then i loose respect, or i get borred or i need space and i toss it all. or i just find out that i'm not really interested. when i merge too quickly i don't even know who they are, but then i'm stuck with them. because they think they are on the inner circle. i have to *force* myself to go slow and really get to know them. really make us work for it. but i have the patience of a caged mountain lion. i can't endure. i can't take waiting. i need immediate satiation of all my impulses and desires. which usually leads to premature sex and too much bonding with out reason. without respect. and that fire burns out quickly. i'm sick of feeling disappointed by not liking someone. damn. i was really feeling frisky tonight with my friend. i know he feels it too. but it would ruin and change everything. and what the three of us have is sacred.