2004-08-16 - 11:03 p.m.

oh shit. disregard what i said negatory about lizard. she is the amazing and damn did she get pissed. we talked through it. poor thing, i do torture her. she's the closest thing to me right now. usually if i am in a relationship i'd spread out the torture to manageable levels. but right now it's like a cauldren for her.

what is amazing is that we do open up and get honest and the walls came crashing down and we see eachothers sides and get closer. she is who she is and i hate that i beat her up for who she is. its shameful to me that i do that, that nothing is ever enough for me. it's a habit, because of my shyte "childhood". i tell someone they are going to fail me inches before they can even try becuz i'm terrified of being hurt and disappointed. becuz i was constantly, consistently, irreparably hurt and disapointed in my "childhood." and i feel bad because i feel like it's an old family pattern to have to have an explosion to loosen the anxiety and get calm and feel trusting and loved. if i don't learn this here, right now, with this beautiful human being, then i'll never learn it. i want to learn this. i feel so willing, and am afraid that the pattern is too thick within me. i want to be less anxious and stop blaming others. i want to stop my stubborn wall of defense. i want to stop picking apart others. i want to stop being right. i want to stop being in control. i want to let others be their imperfect, perfect selves and honor them as is. i want to let go of my ego quicker and admit when i'm wrong and projecting my own anxiety or disappointment in myself onto those who are really close to me. i want to

calm

down

and

just

love.