2004-08-16 - 9:12 p.m.

well lizard and i just had a spout about my bday that is speeding up on me (only two weeks away). i wanted to do a party. and i was irritated that my best friend hasn't even mentioned anything, like she had any thought of planning or helping to plan anything. then she said i'm always criticizing her and bla bla bla. but f. she's my bff, she's supposed to do this. and she's so passive and so involved in her drama that she would never be proactive. she's the most passive human being i've met. i will hand her an opportunity on a silver platter and she'll magically pass or forget and not be able to. but when i get opportunities and do act on them, she sits around saying, why not me, which grates on my nerves. why not you? becuz she never works for it or steps up.

ahhhh. i'm irritated!!! and i'm really irritated with myself for not being more on it and planning my own thing, becuz she just isn't that girl. she will never be proactive and plan. EVER. she let's life roll by while she gets entangled by the next man, the next drama.

and now i'm even feeling like saying a big fuck it and refusing to do anything once so ever for my bday. ignoring it and getting inflamed if anyone mentions a thing about it. i always thought 29 was the magic number and that i should celebrate it more so than 30. it's been my favorite number since i was a bit kid. and i thought it would all come together at 29. and that i would meet and marry at that age too. and even back in the day, that seemed incredibly late, but acceptable.

not i'm inching in on it, and i'm NO WHERE NEAR those notions of where i'd be, in terms of partnership. work is a whole other sporatic, ecclectic unjudgeable story.

the non profit finally canned me and i felt like i wished that i beat him to the punch and quit because he was such a horrid human being and i wanted to make it apparant that the reason i was quitting was expressly because of him. i wish i saved all those emails. you'd be appalled at the way he e-talked to me. they still want me to be on the voluntary board, which is contentious because now that i'm not paid, there's NOTHING holding me back from telling that dictator asshole what i think. he bulldozes over everyone!!!

i worked for an incredibly successful design friend of mine the last few days at a design show. it kicked my ass. and it tugged me back into the game a bit. but i feel those impulses beat back and i don't want to get manic again. but i do want to be in the next show which is in october, which of course would put everything in an incredible, unbelieveable rush. not to mention i don't have the 2.5g's entrance fee or the money for more sampling i'd want to do or the presentation money! maybe i'll take a loan out. hmmmm. that is so risky, cuz if i don't get orders, then i can't pay anyone back. but if i do get the orders, i could be killing it and it could be my launch. i got invited into two more key buyers shops to show them my work. i could just ramp up slow and wait to do a show. but of course i want to dive in. and my stuff is time sensitive, so in one way, i need to dive in....

i need some green!!