2004-08-15 - 1:28 a.m.

it's as if a switch went off inside of me and all of the sudden i could care less about the spinning vortex of the "scene".

i don't get fire from it. i don't get high. i don't care to meet anyone because i pre-suppose their LA - idiocy.

tonight i took worker, the turk and myself to a party of a post supermodel, now designer, married to an incredibly famous rockstar. and it wasn't as sterling as that description would imply.

it felt borring.

does this happen in all cities with spin, where the first half everyone spends their time looking around at everyone else. the "look - around".

it was nice seeing the turk. she complimented me way too much tonight. and there was some long hand holding and such. and an abnormal kiss on the cheek. i enjoy the suspense. the build. the tension.

i am suddenly struck - over this city.

i have to work tomorrow some long hours at the design show. i've made two nice buyer contacts.

i'm concerned. i feel like these meds are turning me into a flatliner. i'm calm, i feel centered. but i also feel devoid of personality. of enthusiasm. i feel content to the point of coma.

maybe it's just me. maybe i'm changing. maybe the same old no longer gets me off.

i certainly *do* get borred easily.

case in point, i'm already borred of the guy i haven't even bothered to name here. and yet i don't know how to tell him that i can no longer partake. at first i was just going to let him know we can only date and it will go no where and see if he could handle that, but now i'm wondering why bother with that. the sex is stellar, and i'm not that into him.

i'm terrible. i feel horrible writing this.

every now and then i do meet someone who steals me and i don't feel this way. but it's been a looonnnggg time.

i am dreading tomorrow. i don't like working for someone else. if i did that type of show i would want a friend with me. i'd want the turk. i trust her and i think i'd be too afraid to do it alone. there are so few people i trust in an all encompassing way.

lizard and i got jelli last night and home-dyed my hair for the first time. glad i have a sense of humor because at first it looked blue. it's just a brown/black, but at first it was a blue/black. we are having such a good time together. ever since i stopped trying to control everything. what a tightwad i've been.

it's a thrill to give up control. i always end up having more fun. freedom!