2004-08-27 - 12:50 a.m.

lizard and i are having a party for my bday and now i want to cancel. i don't want the responsiblity of who comes and if they'll mix and etc. and we made it for too early in the night. was i seriously on crack cocaine? liz and i don't motivate until 11 period. and that's usually just for dinner. so this is a total fuck off and i want to cancel. it's all wrong. it's on the wrong side of town, and at the wrong time and i don't have my attire prepared.

apparently i'm going on a date tomorrow night. with the brit. second try. and i think he'll be a challenge as he's worked around the clock and through the last few nights. so he'll probably doze off on my shift. he sure is cute tho. i'm sure i'll find something to pick apart and distance myself into the far reaches of the moon. i'm sure he'll have dirty euro teeth.

Ps. i'm seethingly jealous. i want to be in ny right now. tonight theres a postering party and so much anarchy i want to join in on. i can't stand the land of the apathetic. i need to be with my people.

i made some bitchin new belts. one is very colorado in the eighties.

i finally told my family, months later, that i had that big deal go down. they are all claiming to be consumingly prowd. i don't see it. in fact when people make comment my head cocks to the side like i have no clue what they are refering to. i can't hold it. i have no space to understand 'achievement'.

so whatever.

when i was little that was my most commonly used term. but i couldn't say r's, so it was always whateva. in fact i even went to "r" class to learn how to pronounce. ha, i remember one time beig placed in special class, i was under the assumption that i was because i was so exceedingly smart.

boy was i wrong.

"whateva" was the word. i wanted to suspend my opinion because i didn't want to be a bother. i wanted to make it easy for everyone. i didn't want to exhist too much for anyone.