2004-08-09 - 3:12 p.m.

here's the sneaky part of me: i *love* that my gapping royal gorge in my stomache has been suppressed by this stuff i'm taking. my never ending compulsive appetite has been quietly curbed for now it seems. it's just been brought back down to normal. nothing extreme.

so that guy and i went to sacred six feet under night and lizard and downtown were acting a little less than normal. lizard was all off in her wierd world. it just wasn't fun. and my guy was trying. whatever. before we got there we launched into one of "those" talks. he wanted to know if i was taking it seriously or if he was wasting his time or something. i didn't know how to say that i couldn't take it so seriously. he's great. but not my great. he'd "do". i know that sounds horrible and it breaks my heart to say. because he is a valuable human being with some great character and he's giving. but he's not strong enough to stand up to me. and he's not fully developed in his path. those seem to go hand in hand. and it's my fault to do this experience ALL OVER AGAIN with another new guy in new shoes.

now i'm in a real quandry cuz i enjoy his company but i don't want it to move forward and i don't know how much time i want to devote to it. when i'm with him i feel like i'm constantly tettering on the yes and no of it. god help me if anyones felt like this for me. yuck. i told him i couldn't offer much and he claimed that he couldn't either. and i think he can't, that's the point. but he's giving it everything. and i feel like i've already lost a piece of respect of him. i'm such a difficult, picky person. when you know you know. know it's untangling what i know, into what i'll do about it.

the difference between intuition and action.

that's what happens when i bond to quickly. i bond with someone i haven't gotten to know, and them i'm TIED IN. and suffocated. wouldn't it be great to get to know someone very slowly and get out before there's too much in between. or to learn about eachother and grow immense respect and care and - fall - in - love.

like the good old days. haha.

lizard had this new guy over, still days ripe from ending the last and still lingering with the longterm x. and she and this guy in the middle of the night just up and walked downstairs to have sex apperently. and i'm having some serious judgement over that. i thought it was so tacky to do that when we had new people there. we weren't all comfortable together and they didn't even make an excuse. it was awkward. it reminded me of my mom and dad and their sexual imperative and the tacky uncomfortableness of it. i don't know if i should say something. because it is my issue. but i also think it's just low class and disrespectful. and odd. just odd. and i'm judging how quickly she jumps into things. she's now fully in a relationship with this one. just because he gave her flowers and called her purdy. wow. that's all it takes.

i'm feeling so shy about following up on the line. i've been backing out. so heavily. now i feel a bit more energy to stand up. but i feel like "they'll" just reject me. that i won't be bringing the right fuel to light the fire, that i've backed out of the room too far already to come back. but once again i feel like quitting the non profit and going back to massage only. it would free up a lot. i was so relieved to get that job, but i doubted it from the start. thatt's not right. i can't do that job and the line. their both take too much time and busy-work. and i have undeniable cravings to create my creative work full time. not to mention, i'm officially paid to do it now and am on some sort of deadline. so i can't just spin around.

the boss at the non profit just brings me down. to the floor!! and then throws a free extra rotten egged criticisms my way to be sure. he's abusive. not to mention the busywork. some of it is genuinely fun and easy money. so i'm afraid of quitting it. but damn, man. how much can i mull this over? how many times do i feel great relief in giving myself the freedom to quit. but with this extra money i owe, i'm not sure that i can!!

fuck fuck. alli-fuckha.

i think i'll do it tho. by sept 2nd. that's the due date. i'll quit then. which only makes me want to quit right now. but i should save up and up my clientelle first to make sure i can do this.