2004-08-11 - 10:01 p.m.

so. today i got overwhelmed about the line again. because i met with a new vendor to make the stuff and their prices were twice what i've been paying. i just want to give up.

i got home and felt *those* feelings again. and i wanted to collapse. but i just have been curbing the barking dog in my brain lately. instead i let myself tap out online reading every political rag out there, went for a walk, and will read or create a bit tonight. i've definately been reading and satiating that way more than creating for a while now. which of course i'm disappointed in myself over.

i think it has to do with the overwhelmed sensations and the "fear".

last night i went to dinner with the turk. to swingers. she is so fucking goregous. i could just spend the night staring at her. and i wonder if she is into me, as she dropped everything after she ate to get a tuna melt with me. after all she's the one who picked up on me a while ago. but then nothing seemed to happen and i assuaged silliness. but i often wonder what she's thinking. she is just so enjoyable to watch. i get kind of nervous around her. but at the same time, i can't easily picture myself being sexual with her. first - i'm too insecure about my body. and for some reason it doesn't bother me with a man, but with her it would because she has such a uniquely perfect body. second - the jury is still out for me on doing anything more than kissing and rolling around. i've never done much else, not that much else hasn't been fostered upon me and i'm not going to say i didn't enjoy it either. hahahha. after dinner i went over to the guys house and we hung out and got breakfast in the morning. i have one foot in and one out. as per usual. i like him. i'm flattered by him. but i know inside it's just a few marks off.

wellbutrin check in: came out of my dip down today with ease. gentler on myself. a bit dizzy/tired. oh..and i'm not sure if this is related, but i was whole heartedly convinced today was tuesday, to the point that i missed two events over it!!

i'm helping a friend this weekend at a big design tradeshow. should be educational and probably exhausting.