2004-08-08 - 6:45 p.m.

it's so wierd to be taking something that is altering me somehow. and to not really control the how of it. but we do that all the time. chemicals in our food, chemicals in our play.

thx for the imput v. i'm actually quite surprised that she prescribed it after i said i was tempting bulemia again, but when i was actively doing that it was over six years ago. and the last time i did it once was probably a year ago.

here's the possible side effects:

The most common side effects of WELLBUTRIN XL are weight loss, loss of appetite, dry mouth, skin rash, sweating, ringing in the ears, shakiness, stomach pain, agitation, anxiety, dizziness, trouble sleeping, muscle pain, nausea, fast heartbeat, sore throat, and urinating more often.

i was listening to an advertisement for a pill to solve molding in the feet. nasty, eh? and the side effects had about the same long list to the point where you were so exhausted that moldy feet seemed just fine.

i have to say, maybe it's just the thought that i finally have a solution. a ralleying cry, but i feel fucking better!! i feel so good. finally. i feel well and balanced and ready. i feel okay.

it's my second day on it. i'm really in the moment, easy to flow around in my day, i have less anxiety, sadness, heaviness, weight, sedation, depression.

i did have a bit of trouble sleeping last night and i'm the incredible sleeper. i can sleep anywhere, under any duress. but i did sleep and fully.

today i had some exhaustion feeling with dizziness and a slight head ache. nothing major. all this to "make" me happy. listen, i know i'm not painting it well because i am a synique. sinick? whatever. but this is all welcome from where i was before. totally unwilling to get the fuck up. grey-dazingly hopeless. just totally defeated.

now i feel different. we'll see. it's comforting to know my family has been on it and done well with it. i've read about liver disfunction in some lab rats. i'm afraid of long term problems. i was afraid of loosing some creative or sensitive edge, but let's face it, before i was tooo depressed to create at all. and it's funny that anyone might worry more about these things than the E i dropped or the mixing of coke with e with heavy painkillers and tons of booze. than getting dragged out of bed by a friend afraid i was dying to dip in some more. to wake up a few days later with yellow post coke snot trolling down my nose and my friend m. wanting to photograph me nude. thank god for digital and her ignorance.

aaa. that made me sad. i guess you still get to feel sad on this shit. haha. not just a happy pill. i'll let you all know how it's going.

tonight is sacred six feet under night with my crew. the boy is coming. and i'm going to have to put some breaks down on him. i always find, no create these fixes for myself. what a mess.

okay. i need to clean.

argggggg!!ps. i think i'm getting fired! what fun.