2004-08-06 - 7:09 p.m.

holy shit. that dream i had? i dreampt that the name of the budha-hindu goddess in the steam across the horizon that we all were watching was the name : shimbaya. and there's that desire to do mushrooms and people are eating the local foliage?

so just for fun i do a search on the word shimbaya to see if it has any real world meaning and it's a fucking teacher plant. a natural hallucinogen like ayahuasca!!

shimbaya huasca.

i think it's a sign. let's all go into a forest and work that shimbaya. it was a vision! it's a sign!!

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in other news, my lethargy meddles on and is eating my apartment alive. i'm using that younger guy to wile away my time, trying to forget myself. it depresses me. and makes me feel sick inside that he seems to take it so seriously. but who knows, maybe he's got a few on the sly and he'll be fine.

i finally saw "the doctor" today. wierd. i've never been to a psychiatrist. and lord knows i miffed on the spelling. she was very calculating. chinese. room with a prominent view, filled with deep mahogony chinese strict furniture with lime-jade-green silk at the seat. asked dozen's of questions and when i started to cry she asked if i cry often. if i outburst often. i felt as if we are all supposed to take med's to control ourselves, to be calculated and clean.

i had an impulse to ask her if she was on the junk. i finally asked if psyc's are on it. and she got wild about the answer proclaiming with victory, "the answer has to be a yes. out of all of them, some must be on." she felt very satisfied grabbing hold another brain and giving it "solution." i'm sure that i'm too synical for this shit to work. i'm not sure i can trust myself to take right dosages.

listen, i'm sure your wondering what'd i get nabbed for? kazaa. don't use it. the fine so far got reduced from 4 g's to 2.5 and i hope to bring it down even further.

also, for my detail oriented friends, i'm going to be on wellbutrin. oh joy. i knew it acted more on the up's and you know grl wants to get UP. and there's a possibility for weight loss. and irritability. praise jesus, a skinny crackerhead. lovely. so check it out, as i'm departing she says, you can't be a bulemic on this. it may cause seisures. well that solves that. hey, v. are you on this?

i want to be on the right thing and i know nothing about any of this. i'm too lethargic to research it really. haha. too depressed to get out of depression!!

fuck.

so tonight theres a movie. tomorrow, a beach clean up, clients, and a pool party and maybe a night party. and i feel to phat to show up to most of said activities.

dr.'s are so clinical. trying to put emotions in containers. how odd. to be in the business of brain chemistry. to want to remove the emotion from it and simply deal with the synapses. fuck how your feeling, i want to right your dopamine. i wonder how i'll feel different. i wonder if i'll feel anything at all. i wonder if it's a sugar pill. i wonder if it'll cause a catastrophy worse than the one i muddle in currently.

pss. my dad wants me to come home and 'harvest' with him. he has a garden and in this garden he dreams of a farm that he tends. he's great. he wants me to pick beans and go to this small town i grew up in when i was very young, because they are having their 100th anniversary. i'm telling you the characters there. straight up photo opportunity. i'm thinking of shooting it and making a show of it. taking what is normal and day to day for those very everyday people and pulling images like a sucker in a peetree dish and putting them in a contained white room in a posh big city for all to experience. taking and placing. like a room at the zoo where we can safely experience worlds other than our own.

i want to go home. what a shock. i want to harvest and pet my cat and look at my dad's paintings and write. maybe i will. it's a wonder to me though that i've ended up being important to him. why, he owes me nothing. i wonder where that importance originates. is it because i am a spawn of him, and in our own narcissistic way we like to have and hold pieces of ourselves. we like to cherish and keep things that reflect ourselves so that we can reaffirm our own exhistance? i think most efforts in life and to love and to affirm our very exhistance. hence love. in love we know or think we know, that we exhist.