2004-08-04 - 10:12 a.m.

i had such wild morning dreams.

it was night, outside on an endless law with sparse shrubs. there were groups of people. we were waiting for some budhhist celebration where the buddha appears as a spirit.

this large mexican guy i knew came over and asked if i wanted something. i got excited. "how fun to trip during something like that. do you have mushrooms?'

'no, just plants. pick the local plants here and eat them all at the same time and its crazy. i'm gone.'

i didn't want to mess with shrubs, not trusting it.

then we looked over at the horizon and this beautiful steam rose and in it's flow came this hindu looking goddess who was playful and white with primary colors in a soft rubbery theatrical kid mask on her. (this was from pictures i saw off a dlander's old entries, a link to photos. she's from india). she was bathed in what looked like silky, warm pure liquadless milk that she playfully twisted her wrists and jutted her arms through. i had a conscious thought that it was beautiful. profound. even though i also thought the forced colorful soft rubber felt phony. there were these beautiful budhhist people in soft color-accordinated t-shirts sitting. they began chanting when the spirit arised far on off on the horizon. i felt drawn to be with them. but i was back further with the people who wore punk clothes and tripping on the foliage.

then i must of been in a post celebration room packed with people all sitting or laying down, waiting for something, a film or a speach. people were arriving. my male yoga instructor (who i used to have a scosh of chemistry with) arrived.

he carried his now girlfriend over the threashold. he carried her gently like she was a delicate princess. she looked stunning. and skinny. he set her down with friends and came over to me and in the door way a bit hidden, he tackled me and said he's been desiring to connect. was were like to excited kids in an embrace and he started to peck little playful yet questionably inapproriate kisses on me. i was excited. our spirits were playfully joined. as equals. he said somewhere in the conversation as he was touching and hugging me that i did have a few extra poundings. and i felt his love, i felt it as being purely honest. and i said courageously as i pushed my belly into his.

more for to love. more as a challenge to let me allow others to love me.

that was the profound part. realizing. accepting. that it's just more of a challenge to let others in and really accept myself. then he said your hanging out a lot with xy, in a disapproving or questioning way. like it was bringing me farther from connecting with him..

i said. .. she needs something from me. i can feel it, i don't know what, but i'm supposed to give something to her.

ps. when i first saw my instructor he didn't have his normal hippy longish light brown wavy hair pullled back in a pony, he had 90's style new order-esque red on fading black straight hair.

pss. i kept searching for the buddha's name like shimbaya.

okay. i'm now fully panicked. i'm supposed to be talking to the lawyer from the other side right now. i'm not even awake enough to handle myself. i'm still easeing myself from the elegance of my dreams.

i need to be sharp and think fast and convince.

what???!! i'm scared.