2004-07-30 - 7:44 p.m.

i'm finding it hard to breath at the moment.

i got the "settlement" offer, $4,000. and they say i had 535 downloads, which is a blatant lie. i'd like the names of each of those files. i don't even think i know that many artists or have ever had that much time on my hands. fuck them. and the ludicris joke is that seven days later i had it all uninstalled, and i have proof. if only that broad came over 8 days earlier.

i feel cheast pain.

my mind constantly flops between becoming a call girl and into ligit ways of getting out of this mess.

even if i take a year to pay it off, it's an extra 333 a mo that i'll resent paying off. that'll i wonder why the fuck.

can;t breath.

i want to look to a time where money isn't a issue for me. i'd like to be able to earn this back easily with my business.

otherwise, i'm surprisingly okay and functional. except when my mind drifts off into fuckland regarding these financial issues.

in other good news, that new one who is barely 26 is taking me to dinner last night. and he said he researched the place and won't tell me where, but that its in my hood. so fucking sweet. then he crushed it at the end of the conversation by calling me "babe". why, why, why. the only time i let that slide is when you are a stylist. stylist will know you for five minutes and rock the babe label.

lizard and i are going to an art opening thing tonight. i'm mildly enthused. not totally interested in playing on the outside. i just want to nest.

oh fuck, i got pissed again thinking about the money. thinking 4 g's, that's a trip to belize and costa rica and new clothes and a new bed. fuck. god damn it.

why in the world do i have such extreme luck?