2004-07-29 - 10:57 p.m.

my issues have been like this baby, growing bigger than the womb that carries it. unbearably bigger, bursting, pushing, aching.

the last two months have been churning. and today i felt it push out of the birthing canal. the pain got to be too much, and i've been pushed through.

now i'm standing here, screaming and bloody and fighting for breath. and needing to be slapped and then held in the warmpth of arms all night long.

i was on the manic creating high, then some regular disappointment from playing in the game hit and i hit the floor. and remained there eating for weeks. that competitive "i'll show them" spirit couldn't even lift me. and last night was cathartic. it was the break that initiated the change. i had stuffed myself again, considered purging it, then started to write. started to get at that fierce anger.

to be frank, i went to therapy today and drove into it. into just how bad it was, somewhat worse than what i mentioned here. i raged. and then i got something profound. that my whole primal precept is that for me to connect and be loved by my parents i have to remain broken. i have to be needing something. and i saw that i also like to punish the fuck out of myself and let it get so bad, so low so i can shove it in their face, so they can aknowledge how they fucked up. how they damaged me.

two fold. i want to punish them by hurting me with utter violence and abandon. and secondly, we only relate to eachother, or have done so this far, when i'm ruined. when i'm "tamed," when i'm flattened. when i was at my worst and about to be sent to rehab and was a skeleton of a human being, i was subdued and quiet my mom turned to me and said that it was her favorite experience of me. that it was the time that she related and felt at ease with me. when there was nothing of me.

they both love to rescue. and deep inside i feel like if i'm succeeding i'll be hung out to dry, alone. for years under the guise of fierce, rebellious independence i've consistently called them to bail me out, "just one more time," i've called for advice, for fixes, for some sort of permission. that sense that i need someone to sign off on a plan i have for me to feel okay owning it. if i'm always broken, then they always have a place. so today i decided i needed some seperation space. that i needed to break the subconscious chain, dam the undercurrent constantly flowing beneath us. just beneath all of our conversations and intermixing. i need autonomy. i need my own now, even if i fall flatter than ever, i need it to just be me.

it's wierd as i've been mounting my anger campaign my cats have begun fighting out of the blue. they sense it all.

so i called my dad first. and it was heart breaking to hear him ask, what does that mean, you don't want me to call for a while? it felt like a break up. he claims that he doesn't need me to be broken. okay, maybe not so much as my mom, but he revels in being the savior. loves picking up the pieces of me. and he is supportive. but he can and does say the wrong thing sometimes and it ruins me. and he has his opinions all over my life and my business. i need to do this on my own. i need to stand on my own. fall on my own and feel good about both. we fought about our last fight and he said i had called to attack him, which is wrong, i merely called to bring up some feelings and if that's not okay, then nothing in a relationship is. we got off in a nasty way. he's left me a make up message on the phone. with him, i'm just going to have to have really strong boundaries. i'm going to have to stop asking him questions, confirmations, validations. it could be that clean and simple.

with my mom it was thicker because the real origins rest with her. we are the ones that are primarily tangled up and have been for years. she is the one i have sick, undealt with anger for. *clearly*.

before the call, all afternoon i was swimming in anger. unafraid to lash out and speak my true, first raw feelings. and i have to say, it felt great. it was awakening. real. it broke me from this horrible spell i've been under for months. this lethargy blanketing deep disappointmnent, self judgement and fierce, stuffed anger.

i spoke with her and she too asked what it meant to me and if i didn't want her to call etc. and she sounded so hurt and like i was someone breaking up mid way. it hurt. it felt so awkward, because i'm not sure how well i can follow through. i'm not sure if i'll rewind back into that comfy chair i know so well. but i let her know that we have been sick and that it's kept me sick, that it's my fault too. that i stay low to be loved and i stay really low to punish her because i am so angry and have rarely dealt with it.

she got it. i knew she would. and she actually got really honest about those times and how she didn't even have parents to call and how dad was gone and how she took it all on. and she did. and i saw her more humanly. and she said she is done rescueing everyone and she has given her whole life and she wants to run off into her own. she has gotten a second degree, is into some new korean yoga thing (which is a revolution for a woman who is decisively out of touch with her body) and is doing so many hobbies and really is getting involved for the first time in her life, for herself. and it made me so happy, it was felt like a miracle, that we are both changing so much and willing to break archaic habits and roles. so we let eachother go. and i am scared. this is the first time in my life i haven't had them to fall onto. yeah, i've been around the world, out of touch, "on my own." yes i've lived on my own for over ten years. yes yes yes. but this is on a subtle profound level.

and with her i'd like to say we can just shed what we know and develop something new together. but i think to really break from the habits and break from the past i actually need space created from time away. which feels strange.

i also felt really free today from it. i felt something so heavy lifted. i felt like my life was my own. and this is biting, because no one now can bail me out of this subpoena. no one can solve the debt. no one can protect me against myself. i am now totally and souly responsible for myself.

and i feel like i am just now realizing all of this. that i am just now at the starter line. that this is a root of a lot for me. that i, all of the sudden, without any warning stumbled upon one of the founding premises i've lived a totally malfunctioning life over. i've stayed malfunctioning to keep that primal part going. i feel like i'm just at the tip of this, and there will be tons of worse growing pains and mistakes on my own. i feel like i never really got the lessons of the past. i think they've all gotten this bad to take me here and i maybe jsut wasn't ready to see it.

i wanted to drink tonight. i overate. friends were going for drinks. one friend was hitting the town high style and wants me to come. i waanted to tear up the town and injest, drink, shoot, snort, pop anythign i could get my impulsive hands on.

at the cusp of all of this, all i wanted was to wash it away and do my own thing. i wanted to be a part of it all again. i wanted to tank myself. drown.

i called my friend 'downtown' he's lizard and i's best boyfriend. he's younger and wacky as fuck and every sunday we snuggle and overeat and watch hbo together.

he talked me off the tree. he said what i've been taking on is insane that he's thought i was pschologically crazy to do it. i never look at the good, habitually only tear myself about what i've done wrong.

so i'm not drinking tonight because it feels like i would possibly be lighting a match over a field of soaked gasoline. if i do take up the baccus, i'd prefer it to be because i'm ready to balance it and try it again. not for a search and destroy mission of the self. i wanted to purge, as i've clearly binged. but i'm just going to sit through it and accept that i'm going through a lot right now and have to love myself for being human and a little chunkier. and that amazingly enough others are loving me as well.

i'm not sure how to navigate this mom thing. i just know that 80% of what we share is not beneficial. i think we both do need some real break. we are "immeshed" as she says. she even has to call what "we" are disfunctionally. fuck. it's so routine for me tho. it's so necesary. i actually depend on her. i check in, i call, i get grounded from it. but not from *me*. not because i am rooted in myself. not because i am getting strength from myself.

and because i've been punishing myself and keeping myself hardly functioning, i've let it all go. and i've been half assing my business and my project and my care of my body and my spirit. and to love myself means to love to give to all of those things. and i've denied myself of it all to hurt me. to hurt them for hurting me.

on a completely other note, that new kid i spent time with the other night asked me out for saturday night. he's totally inappropriate, but i'm going there and i'm looking forward to it. i know i'll bow out if he's totally toxic. but i llike that he's hot, we have chemistry and he is liberal and well read.

this is the first time in a very long time i've felt geniunely okay, not suspended okay from an outside stimulus, but an inner okay. which feels like it can't just float away.

thx for the g.entries. first of all thanks for making new entries so i didn't have to see that dick licker booshit any more. and thank you for your connection.

pss. this girl who was british, battled a bit with depression, my age, drank again and apparently killed herself last tuesday. it's so far away. and yet somewhere inside i can picture finding my way there.

it's so hard to imagine someone getting to that decision and then going all the way. wondering if just before, jsut the moment before the last breath escapes out, if there is a moment of regret. a moment where you want to take it all back.