2004-07-24 - 7:05 p.m.

god damn it.

god damn it.

i accidently downed two krispy kream doughnuts.

the devils dough.

and now i feel like one pudgy mutha fucker fit to be rolled home like a jelly whale.

i've just recinded on something. something shifted and i care so much less, in terms of making efforts.

mama said if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all...fuck mama.

here's my rant at the mo.. i hate my neighbors. i almost threw up walking past the stinch of the one right next to me. he's been smoking pot and shit incense for the last ten years. the smell of his packratism is impungently nausiating in this summer heat. this is coming from someone who held my stomache together through a tour of an E LA beef kill plant. 700 dead a day.

every day my irritation for these deadbeat neighbors grows. i can't work from home, i can't open my doors for crosswind, because the noise of their lives spews in. i can't fucking take it. i either need to move promptly or i need to get an office space where i can go to work during the day because this fucks me off. the tv blasting all day. i hate tv. it's either fuckin all night, or "making music" all day. i used to think it was all fun and adorable, now i can't take it. it's depressing and clausterphobic, toxic and suffocating.

i met a boy last night. tall musician, sexy, sweet, humble. not even worth mentioning actually, just residual habit really. you can take the girl out of the playground, but you can't take the playground out of the girl. the perpetual playground.

i'm taking my friend to some ridiculous chanting bullshit tonight. not really in the mood for it actually. thosse hindi's can go to hell. i don't appreciate guru-worship. i think it's the same herd following as any bullshit religion. then we go to another skater punk art thing. should be good.

last night friend and i went deep into thai-town for a 25$ thai massage. deep into the edge of k town and a scosh into thai town is this convience store that looks like it belongs in thailand, with very few cheap products on dusty island shelves. to the left there is a mexican laundromat that smells incredible. it reminds me of the scent of the laundry in london. in back in the alley you enter in a baraccaided metal door, up the stairs and into a secretive heaven. tall white sheets waving in the fan propelled breeze. the scent of jasmine, a few plants and two smiling thai women. we layed on white matts on the floor and got worked. she actually went so deep, i think i'm more sore now.

then we went to the art open and to my favorite ultra-jew deli. and to a nyc pizzaria for a slice for now and slice to go.

i'm just sick of it all.

i think i've lived to high. and now the plateu just bores me. i need some motivation. reinvention. i need a new phase to work me.

i never seem to please myself. never seem to be beaming like i remember from before. and in some split seconds that i do, i scramble to retain the rising steam.

what is it? what changed? i know myself too well now and am not chasing the high. so i'm high-less now. just brumbling along wondering what the fuck next?

and eating doughnuts along the way for false comfort. moments where this reality gets suspended, to pound down more violently in the aftermath of guilt.

it's really "not that bad," but i'm just being brutally honest here because i can. and it will probably clear me out some. so i can move through like water.

it's just that i like the buzz. i live for the buzz energy. that manic like stuff that pulsates through me, and i can clean all night, and be "productive" and on top, and thinner and pushing ahead. but it's a push. pushing. and when i am ultra calm like now, and content, it's not a push and i don't feel like i get anything done. nothing is enough. nothing moves forward. my brain is the barracaid. it is the bars that keeps me in. keeps me locked in criticism. jaw clenched, angery at myself. burning at myself for just not doing it fucking right. nothing is right. nothing is enough. not when i'm eating doughnuts and lazing around instead of cleaning and producing and fucking what??

i don't know.