2004-07-26 - 12:06 a.m.

no shit i am so stressed on money.

i feel fucked.

i want to sell my car, but i'm finding out the fucking blue book is less than the rest of my outstanding loan. so i'd walk away with no money to not be able to buy something outright.

and i'm being supeonaed for file sharing. easily costing anywhere from 3,000-5,000$ without lawyers. i feel like someone said, hey doll, bend over, we've got a few things we'd like to stick up your ass. when i first got the letter all i did was laugh, until the second lawyer confirmed the 'settlement' cost. i'm blown away and quite stressed.

and then you hear about these ladies whose 'boyfriends' support them. yeah, i'd like some support right now. i think i'll throw a party and call it the ineb defense fund. do you want to donate?

now i'm feeling stuck in this apartment because it is cheap. and i had dreams about moving. but it looks like i'm fucking strapped down to this fucking life i've created. stuck to the car payments. stuck with major debt. stuck living by neighbors who are fucking unbelievable and increasingly intolerable.

why is there such a vast spectrum? such a spectrum of living? i could easily pick out dozens who have it carnally worse. i could also dream up those entourage boo-shiters who soak in a golden tube of easy.

i wonder what i'll make of all of this in retrospect. i wonder what i'll regret. i wonder if i'll regret not selling myself to some rich fucker. i wonder if i'll regret my thick integrity and all that it's bought me.

ps. i'm now reading 'dance,dance, dance' by murakami. i'm also flirting with siddhartha by hesse. i know you were in dire curiousity.

there are just a few things i feel like someone with ultimate wisdom should tell me what to do. because i don't trust my instinct for mistake. how many mistakes can one human make???