2004-07-20 - 5:56 p.m.

it is so hot. i'm finally feeling on top of my non profit job. to the point of where i'm tempted to even like it.

my friend is coming down from SF to visit. she is the super yoga girl. argg, she's gonna work my ass out and i'm still getting over this cold. to be sick in the summer.

i'm on a home organization project. i'm determined to be *that* organized human being.

it's all so strange right now. i'm in some foggy hallway where i feel like i'm half waiting for something in my soul to happen. i've just been so focused and manic for so many months and now it's evening out a bit.

i'm still not dating or even attempting to meet anyone. and i've gained some pudgy stress weight. and the odd thing is i'm uncomfortable with it, but i'm also still loving myself anyway. i don't seem to care so much.

nyc dropped by today and tried his darndest to reel me in. and i feel so much more grown up because i just saw it as it was and tossed that fish back into the sea.

lizard and i were in a silly fight and she got me a make up gift. waterguns and bubble makers and a radical frosted cookie. what a sweet tart. i jsut got her a basket of coolness gifts to thank her for being the girl behind the girl during the last two months. she's been the wife i needed through all of this.

my rep and i are firming up my deal with the first offer. they aren't being very accomadating on some key issues, so it's a bit aggitating, like a sandpaper subtly moving across my skin.

i did meet some one in nyc. guess what?? he's 23!! what a fuckin shock. what the fuck is my problem? anyway, he's been a bit on the dial, but i don't know what to do with it. he wanted to come immediately out here, but i put the brakes on that.

once again, i have to admit, i don't quite feel like i'm in the drivers seat. i wonder where the hell i'm headed, what is the plan.

i guess that's why my last day in nyc was so magical. because i had no plan and was completely lost in the moment and content. joyful. this guy is the coolest. traveled the world. his family is so loving. can't even begin to explain. but i have so many rules and they live completely by joy. by the flow. he made us a picnic. we went to art galleries. we sat in the park, just after i received the news about the rejection and i felt so heavy. the sky cracked open, lightening thunder. we lay looking off at the fireflys blazing honey colored sac's of light and life, the rain came down and covered me. i felt succombed. surrendered. beaten into the earth. i ran down a long green hill in the park, crying slightly, releasing away, so heavy from the news. so silent, not being able to talk about it. the rain washing all of me away.

when we were on the picnic blanket dazing off on the fireflys, mid rain, he leaned over to kiss me. he's mysterious. we have a lot of joy together. a lot of giggling. while i was at the airport on a delay, he had called and was about to head straight there to come to LA with me. hell-o! yow. no comment.

that whole day showed me what my spirit is like without my inner rules. without my controls, lists, have-to's, regulations. everything was lifted and i let him plan everything and i jsut flowed along. it felt so freeing. i loved the freedom of his life. just to enjoy. he spent time in buenos aires, time all over the world. working but mostly enjoying. phenominal life. i'm supremely jealous.