2004-07-16 - 6:07 p.m.

how can i begin to detail the last few days.

went to nyc, it was amazing. i got extremely swept up in a "situation" and the "situation" wanted to follow me to LA. that same day.

more on that later.

more on everything later. on the deal, what happened.

randomly enough, i'm going to hear a jazz singer tonight with a very tall and handsome 23 year old i met on the plane ride home.

my life just can't quite be pinned down.

i want to let my reins of control up. i want to throw them into the deepest regions of the river and get lost in the surge. i'm sick of controlling everything. i'm sick of rigidity. that's what i took from this magical day in nyc. more later. ima tease.

when i got back from nyc, i had a meeting with my boss at a pub. i knew he was either going severely reprimand me or straight can my delinquint ass. sitting, waiting for him, i contemplated ordering food and thought i didn't want to be stuck eating while extricating myself from the awkwardness of getting canned. but then i thought..hell...if i'm going down, it might as well happen over hot wings.

he merely gave me a friendly slap on the hand and a one month to clean it up or ship it out. they have been incredibly patient with me as a matter of fact. it made me really want to do a good job. so i'm back on track.

i'm ready for everything to change.

i'm ready to sell my car, move to a cottage that's condusive of my quiet work, and to go seriously coastal. i've got leads for apartment sharing in nyc. that's my vision. a new cottage away from the lunatics surrounding me currently. a cottage in venice, with greenery and peaceful people and dinner parties and meditation and wierd lighting schematics. invigoration. then a car that is COMPLETELY PAID THE FUCK OFF. even if it has over 100 tho miles. it'll be paid off. and then i'll save to travel. i'll leave for two weeks at a time to create and satiate and inspire.

i'll go to nyc and to a friends country home up state where there are no other people for 5 miles anywhere. we will do teacher plants like ayuwaska and i doubt you'll talk me out of it. then i'll go on a dive trip in november with my dad. i'll go to SF and visit friends and get new boutiques and go to big sur and stay on the cliffs for a night and relax my body into the impulse of those smashing waves and age old trees reaching away. then at some point i'd like to swing on over to london and tokyo for the line. i wonder what ben is doing in london now. don't you?

i was talking to someone in nyc who is desperate to move out here and it struck me as strange cuz i've been jonesing on getting there more semi-permanently.

the sting in my heart washed away once decision hit. as the spear was pulled out of my heart i experienced the heaviest pain weighting in on me yet. but once it sucked out and i sat in the rain with the crumbling sky and shocking thunder i felt calm.

i felt calm.

and then he kissed me. and we were showered upon and i ran down the hill in a tear, part crying, releasing, shedding, stomping down into the ground disappointment and some sort of joy in the freedom of release. unafraid. i was left surging through the river unafraid. totally devoid of fear.

every jolt and jump and drop on the plane felt only like a giggle or a mother rocking a child gently asleep.