2004-07-07 - 7:53 p.m.

....later....

so the "outcome" is that they want more, which i had predecided would be a bigger defeat than a rejection. because it would mean that they want me to jump thro more hoops. and yet after talking to said person, the hoop they want me to jump through makes sense for what they want. but i may jump thro these two more, have to go to nyc this weekend and they still may reject it.

so i'm left again with taking offer A on the table, or still trying for double the money with the riskier B. of course i love any reason that would get me to nyc, even if it's debt encurring. and i could meet with boutiques if i came out. i just spoke with paul and he said that back in the deeezzo that hitch hikers said, the longer the wait, the better the ride.

man, i've cried a lot today. odd. and now i feel differently.

i've decided to step up, if i didn't i know i'd always wonder. and if i do, at least then i know that i have given it everything, that i've shown up to my fullest and really given it my best. so i'm putting a ticket on hold, fuck that, i'm buying a ticket and starting to recreate tonight.