2004-07-07 - 12:11 p.m.

they still haven't told me. it's noon, 3pm their time. i think it's a no and my rep is too upset to call me, and to think i caused that much of a stink. mostly i feel invisible, that this is all just pretend play and in the end i never really exhisted.

i don't exhist at all.

and that sums it up.

i give up.

i fully give up.

i felt this morning like there was this mile long layer of tunneling filled with a jelly substance, words, smiles, greetings not able to permeate this layering.

i am convinced now that i could possibly benefit from some form of meds. i'm just unwilling to care about myself or my space or my life at the moment. and i was watching this little girl at the coffee shop and how you have to care for yourself to care for another. how i should never have kids because i simply don't know how to love myself.

i'm embarrassed to be writing this.

i feel so defeated.

on the phone...