2004-06-18 - 3:27 p.m.

last night was amusing. i went to a surf gala and all these pro's were there. but i didn't have a proper wing man to make "it" happen.

i'm a little off center and i have the serious deadline work to do by tomorrow by 4pm. i was so on lock down that i just had to get deviant a bit in the last two nights and now it's four pm and i feel fucked with time and off=centered. but i also needed the sweet release that running around gives me. but the whole night i felt like i left a lover waiting at home. that's how much i feel it with work. i couldn't stop the tightness in my cheast that held that feeling.

after the benefit i caught up with some boys at an art opening and we took a crew over to a lacma all night party (that's our art museum). it was wild. this friend of mine is the stylist guy who took me to an a party a bit ago. he's sexy. i think that's what i call him "sexy." he's so pacino cool. but young. there is intense sexual energy on my end with him. and i don't get a proper read on him at all. he seems semi-bi. but he always talks about ex girlfriends. so were at this place, it's teaming with the best looking guys i've ever seen in one area and i can't be free cuz i'm with guys. and then he comes over and puts his arm around me and i had the most physical reaction because of all that he is and the power he has. so while walking around checkin out the art we played like we were a couple, arm in arm, hand in hand. nuzzling in a bit.

there was some cool outdoor guerilla art and those badasses want me to do some custom feather work for them. head-dresses. am-indian. i'm so in. they are fierce. and then a fight breaks out and its club caos and some vatos get punchy and the security acts like merely hired donut dunkers. it lasted two, long rounds. unusual.

i run into a designer friend who said those who threw down are some of his boys in a street crew, graffiti, infamous. and that they want to "jump" him into the crew. he and i are hanging sat. night. i can see myself going a bit more subversive and street. but only if there is a point. like being a peace warrior. underbelly politik ticklers.

i like to tickle.

later in the evening two extremely beligerent white trash girls start wrestling and a crowd rounds them as they make a whole show of it. it's like springer amidst a public art scene. then sexy and i leave, go back to his house, he makes me an extremely creative melted sammy with ice cream in soy milk.

and we slept in the same bed all night without *an ounce*. hehehe. it was the most tense game of footsy i've ever flirted with. here's the scene: i'm sexually spun on him, and i know it can't go anywhere cuz he's bi i believe and also too into the 'chase'. not with tail, he doesn't play at all, but with the high and the chemical mixing. constantly. and he's an incredible career connection for me. i want him to hire me as an assist and he has already taken some of my stuff on a shoot. i really want to work for him. it would be killer. great cash, i could quit the non profit... so here i am, playing a tenative game of touch our feet together, without another piece of skin touching. wondering the entire time if i can suspend my impulse for the greater good. and i really think us being running mates could really work out. i like his heart. i get him. he's relaxed and dialed in. i really get where and why his heart is so blocked. he shared it with me today.

also as an addendum, i'm very bothered becuz i ran into a college friend who actually works with one of two of my arch nemisis's. there are very very few people i despize utterly in this world and she sit's in that queen bitch chair. she was cruel to me at the end of school in a way that no human should be. i'd rather have taken in a few bullets than their type of cruelty. i like to think those girl don't exhist, particularly not in MY FUCKIN CITY. cunt's. and i never see them or get wind of them because they don't stumble themselves out of the yuppie ass sportsbars long enough to see what this city iz. my city. but just hearing about her, just hearing that she exhists and what job she has and who she's still dating eats me up. fills me with smoldering anger and violence and discomfort. i want to alert the forces, i want my teams to protect me in the way that i wasn't protected before. if i or any of my people see that fucking bitch, consider her house egged. consider her conformist ass bent.

i hate that passion is ignited. emotion at all. i'd like cool reserve, uneffected who gives- type feeling of indifference, divorce. but i'm still angery. i'm still hurt.

decadent.

ps. i snuck another entry in before this one. hhhmmmm21. yummy 21. he's torturing me. i'm the one getting tortured now. it's, what's that word the pink panther would say?? it's *that* word. he's so cute and i told him we need to squeeze in play time before he leaves. so we are talking sat night and maybe sun book geek play. i'm worked. it never stops, just gives a new spin the turning.