2004-06-12 - 3:23 p.m.

here's a two in one.

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6/9/04

I have an insatiable urge to cry.

It was an incredibly wild week/trip in nyc.

Words can�t even describe everything, but I feel like I was out of body somehow. To be able to believe at that level and move forward, I almost had to separate myself from myself and just barrel ahead.

I also hit a snag with a boy. A�bout a boy. Always a�bout a boy. Certainly one of the most colorful. So I was taking all those days off any contact with men. And it created actually enough space to appreciate someone again. Strange. Before, there was too many of them, too much stimulus and it tended to convolute my experience of all of them. I couldn�t tell one from the next and none felt special.

This is someone I met in LA at an opening while he was out. his incredible bling, of all things, caught my attention. And his edge. He rides an extreme edge. I wasn�t interested in him in LA more as a great contact. But we met up at this hot spot in nyc and it was on. He was so uber hip and individuated and assertive and comfortable and also oddly enough, doesn�t drink. Which we never even bothered to talk about. I was shocked, welllll, to hear he is 24!!! I just can�t seem to meet anyone over 25. in fact I seem to only reach lower and lower in the age bracket. Hell one of the noodles, the barely 21 year old crush also qualifies to date my lill cousin/sister who is 16. practically. Unsettling. We will call this guy in nyc, gold. We go back to my bunk bed pad. We hang, listen to music and have an incredible make out session and snuggle all night. What trips me out is that someone so tough and expressive on the outside is so incredibly tender. Kisses gently everywhere, being an incredible gentleman about the pace, never laying a hand unless I put it there. And then the way he�d touch my back as I�d bend down. The tenderness. What trips me out is that I was fuckin spun on him, wanting something, something like inner security. Hell wanting to fall in love. Wanting impossibility. the last night I was there, when he came over I wasn�t so into him. As a person yes, but physically no. and I was spun the fuck out two nights earlier over whether he liked me or not. Nibbing on his ears and grabbing his mullet type thing and not being able to get enough.

All the mtgs this week. Shit that�s a whole other entry.

Wildest ride ever. And it�s still not done. But I did get in some boutiques for the line and for the major project, we have an offer and a month ago I�d be straight shitting myself for this mild manner offer. But people got excited and my agent threw around six figures at one point. Put your jaw back up, they didn�t bite. In fact they went extremely lower, so we haven�t taken the offer and we are revving up other biz. But it�s scary to draw this out. I don�t want to loose what is on the table or to loose the fire and now I have to do more work in the next week to get the second group blown the fuck away. And it�s all performance based. So either I can do this or not. Pressure is very on. There was so many nights of pressure. I can�t believe I could sleep at all.

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today...

so I�ve been back, and I feel like I haven�t worked a fucking cock suckin drop on the project that I have to turn around in three-ish days to get a second bid in enough time not to loose the first. it�s unnerving. The first two days I spent sleeping, doing yoga, and catching up on bills and bullshit. Today I tried to have a go but I can�t seem to settle into my work space. I keep doing �research�. I�ve never been so fucking gunshy. I sent an email to everyone that has been calling and wants to catch up to tell them I need a few days, that I�m basically still out of town. I need the focus. I can�t talk about it too much, it�ll loose heat. I can�t �hang out,� I can only focus on this. But here the fuck I am, and all I want to do is sleep as if I�ve fallen into a coma.

I don�t know if it�s cuz I pushed myself so hard the last two months that I�m finally collapsing and catching up, or if the fear of what I have to start is fucking bedridding me. Here I�m causing all this big talk on making everyone give me space to work, and I can�t even fucking work. I�ve considered going away to a cabin at big bear, but then I get paranoid that I�ll waste all this time getting there and still not be able to work. That I�ll get lonely. I think I�m just fucking terrified. And I�m taking the entire week off clients, right when I need the money the most. I had to pay my bills with the last of the business money. If this turns out, it will all be worth it. And if it doesn�t it�ll mildly be worth it. Fuck god damn, that alone feels like so much pressure. To know what�s riding on this and I can�t even make a solid start. It�s like a dog who can�t decide where to lay, so they keep pawing and circling around. I can�t seem to land and just begin. I do know that I am gathering up and it will come, as it always does. But I�m afraid that this time it won�t. that this time I�ll truly get stuck.

I finally ran into this guy my caf� family has been trying to introduce me to for ages and I always just miss him. We know a lot about eachother through them. They are Italian and very matchmaking. He�s the guy �I should� fall for. He�s organized, tall, lived several years in Alaska, is looking to buy a farm in Costa Rica, he garden�s and is open and whatever I was borred to tears. To fucking tears! He just kept talking and then asking dry questions. It didn�t feel energizing. And he kept asking about my deadlined project as everyone does the fuckin minute I infer it�s not good for me to talk about. Then they think it�s some fuckin cute guessing game.

I�m going to a meditation center tonight. I want to just have some energy. I don�t know why I�m so crashed. All I want to do is sleep. I only have a few days, and I�m so behind on my work/work. I don�t have the luxury to dick around. Dood, I�m freaked out. can you tell.

Ps. Spank. Did I see you hawking kid love on broadway near Lafayette/spring street? I turned, gave a big smile, I was with another brunette, it was early in the week. Another time I turned and told this guy that some girl was pitching to that he has to buy, that it�s a great program and he was prompt to claim that he was on it.

Pss. Last night the 21 year old (who looks like a model but is so geek sheik, went to yale for a few, knows literature and every kewl underground music spot and I fucking adore him and all of his harold awkwardness) called and was excited I was back only to be dismayed when I told him that I�ll be �out of town� till Thursday. But I assure him that when I�m back to civilization that I�ll kidnap him and we�ll geek out together at the bookstore, to which he replied, �I hope so.� This is killing me. I adore him. i have no idea what I�ll actually do with him, but I love the suspense.