2004-05-24 - 7:39 p.m.

it's starting to get insane.

last two nights up till 4 a.m. for work or otherwise. and today i just felt jumbled. i have endless amounts of work to do before ny and i just can't see straight. and i'm feeling achingly perfectionistic about everything i'm doing. i want it all to be the fucking best, and yet i barely have time. i'm on such a crunch. it's tanking me.

i shot last night with a bunch of kids, pretzels, and some beer in downtown LA at night. it was fun, except i was nervous and couldn't get all of my equipment to work quite right which mortified me. but we all had fun and now i have a gargantuan sized crush on a 21 YEAR OLD.

....just turned 21!! he's fucking unbelievable looking. sick. sick sick.

and he's an uber geek, which i love. he's hip to the real scene, he gets the underground music station i love. he's sweet. he went to yale for two years. he's underneath the surface. i'm crushing hard.

but i'm still taking time off the whole thing.

and of course they come right out of the woodwork when i finally make my decision. i see 'busy' last night so he could give me my shoes and he wants to hang out this week. (as friends i'm sure). and there's this new LA joker who's calling a lot and now i'm crushing on the 21. oh and the parisian now wants to take me out to dinner and i guess do what he said he'd never do, make plans in advance etc. whatever. i'm fuckin over it.

i'm 2 seconds from collapse with this work stuff. i don't knkow how i'll make it. i just don't have a lot of belief of reserves today and i need to cull them up and get hyped to make some work calls in the next day.

i feel like cancelling the trip.

and i started crying like a total pansy today cuz lizard called to vent about money. she didn't even have enough dough to wash her ghetto car and she stuggles and works hard and is such a good woman. such a fuckin gentle, loving human. and i just don't want it to be so hard. and she's been my foundation in this. she's come over and given countless advice on design picks last minute, she's working on some stuff for me (meanwhile she still has her own to do and she doesn't have money for the supplies). and she has pride on the money cuz she wouldn't hear me paying for her supplies. i just wanted to make it better. i just want to throw down and support her. i just can see that in someone i love. i'm crying again now about it. sometimes i've thought that nothing could get in. that i'm too far away. now i know how gently the care is inside. i can't explain.