2004-05-19 - 10:28 p.m.

i saw a pix of my x ben in a magazine and i shat.

froze and then stayed stuck for a few hours.

stuck and then began fantasizing on how much i love him.

and then heavy fantasy on how i want to grow the business so quick and go on a biz trip to london and just call him. just call and say, i'm in london for biz, let's meet up. then see how it is. i still fantasize on him being the one. i still think on how if he grew up and is more ready that ...

whatever. i'm exhausted. all i do is work. and go out and socialize to network. i got a major fucking in today. a major golden contact blow my fuckin mind type. and sometimes i get this glimpse of how this biz could be. how it could grow. and it can also tank. but if it went, it could change life a bit and i'm not sure i'd be at all prepared for that. even tho i fucking want it so bad it's insane. and i love it with everything that i am. i also don't see sometimes how it wouldn't go, after the instinct i know i have and the contacts and the energy and the belief and the sheer hours and amount of work and love i'm giving it.

i'm fuckin pissed cuz nyc is at this spot i wanted to go to and i guess he's back out on the scene and he's shun me after i had it out with him over him making things up about me. fibbing. saying i was beggin him for a booty call, when in the meantime he was on the phone saying how he was going to come over and i was telling him i didn't want him to and that i wasn't going to let him in. insane how skewed things get in his head and the lines of 'i'm just kidding'. he's kidding when his lies get him in trouble. he's total fuckin caos and yet a part of me still want the fun we used to have.

4 or 5 days and still no boys. no interpersonal contact. amazing. i'm so driven with work, it's flooring me. i'm addicted to it. i devote all my hours, all my energy and it's never enough. there's always more to do. and i wake up with my mind wrapped around it and i fall asleep compulsively thinking about it.

thur. dinner with webmonkey. shoot some kids in downtown. go to a dj thing (may be silly tho).

fri. art opening. sat. bday at the club.

interesting. all very interesting.