2004-05-16 - 1:15 p.m.

frenchy actually did get into an accident. one french, one entire angry korean family and one asshole cop.

the next night i went to french's for a movie after late work meetings. i was laying there stewing in an internal brew.

it finally hit.

the internal, genuine, gentle epiphany.

i've known logically for a while that i need a break. but i couldn't want to do it.

finally, i'm laying there, snuggling up and i'm feeling like it don't even know this person. that it's that dive in and bond before knowing the other, once again. i say to him that it helps me to have him do that dating thing first and ask me out in advance and such. he, in a very parisian way, says he absolutely can't make plans. he thinks passion and long lasting love comes from spontaneaty... he agree's that i'm extremely spontaneous, but he stays firm on not being able to make plans. then i find out he just got out of some disaster where he was lied to and hurt and he thought he was in love. some broad left him for a 90yr old billionaire who she was with before. he said he doesn't think he can fall in love again.

man you guys. it's devastating to me.

the walls we all secure and wrap tightly around our selves. steel blankets.

all i want to do in this life time is love.

all i crave to do is love.

all we protect against is love, in love is opportunity to loose love and to be hurt.

in the past,

i've never left. i've never felt whole enough to pick up and say this part just isn't okay, so i'm going to let go. becuz the hole inside is always too big, the need to stay in his arms and be held, to be filled up is too necesitating. i'd usually stay even if i don't respect him (busy), or even if i know he's absolutely not right at all for a milisecond (the surfer), or even if i know he's not ready and won't be and i'm kidding myself (ben).

this time, something beautiful and subtle happened. in his arms, i looked up at him and felt this gentle disconnect, this sensation that i don't know who this person is at all and that's not okay. and additionally, that what he's telling me about himself (no plans, not open) isn't ever going to be okay. i felt filled up enough inside to make it very simple and undramatic and leave, self in tact.

leave this fashionable, hot french man with a great career and a dynamic ability to stare into my eyes.

on the way back, i felt for the first time the desire to take those 29 days off. to get back to purity.

i'm so tired of swimming thro so many. i'm sick of not remembering one from the next, not retaining where they grew up and how many siblings they have. spiritual clutter.

ever since i've decided this, something new has settled in. it feels clear and pure and genuine.

the minute lizard gives me a pack of condoms, i stop being 'engaged.' so i'm in my third day. friday june 11th makes 29. and this is non-negotiable. no dates, very little flirtation, no sex, no x's. no make out sessions, no meeting new people, nothing.

my mom flew out to san diego for the anniversary of my grandmothers death. i was down there yesterday. my little cousin in kindergarten was getting really pissed off and started whipping her belt on this construction paper and she wouldn't speak. i told her that it's okay to be angry and that it helps if she talks about why and after some time i got it out of her. she drew a picture on the paper of a guy at school named tj who is a bully to her. he called her stupid and i asked what she said back and she said nothing, that she was just silent all day.

god damn i remember that. in my core and for about 20 years. i felt so pissed. i wanted nothing but to just protect her and help her to feel protected and heard. she said he's really mean to all the girls, never the boys. i explained that there are some boys who feel really bad about themselves and that the only way they can feel big or better is to make girls feel small or less. that it's not her. i asked if she knows his number and where he lives so that we can tee-pee the fuck. and then we drew an angry picture of him and beat it and then a pix of her with a protective bubble around and wrote all the great things about her inside.

i love her so much. she's amazing. we washed my car and when i finally got my lazy laze up she had the auto soaped up with god knows what and had this old school ratty mop out scrubbing it. she's addicted to law and order and she made me dish up to her and snuggle as she fell asleep. her and her sis who are both like my sisters and two of the most important things to me in my entire life. her big sis is the one that is in highschool who i keep a close watch on. she's the one i corrupted taking her out here in LA. i took her shopping and to lunch yesterday. i know i'm the only one she talks to about her stuff. she's very gaurded.

ya know what i'm not quite sure if i can easily think of anything i've ever loved as much as those two. and how protective and fierce i am with them. i would do anything. i've even thought of really going for it on this business just so that i can help put my girl through college. i understand now the way parents feel. last night i knew she was going to some after prom party and these cats in SD drop to the border for 'purchases' and hang with mexican kids who have their own condo's away from family. i would not know how to live if something ever happened to her.

friday night i went to nyc's music show with lizard and downtown d. i was on such exhaust that i nearly slept on the car ride there. they were tripped on how quiet and gentle i was. it was a nice switch up, not feeling like i have to be so in control. nice to trust others to carry me. at the show, watching my friend errupt and play on stage, and standing next to my best friend, i had this distinct sensation of now. that i'm living the best time right now. times i'll look back on with a lot of love.