2004-05-10 - 10:58 p.m.

i guess i need to move to tennessee meet a nice hick, gain twinky weight and ...

i'm dust.

both lizard and i had a bad night, and that's never good when it's on the same night.

first of all 'busy' sent me a very bitter, knocking email. i had sent a let's keep it light thing earlier, but he sent back a double decker. one that was like, i met someone who i'll never see again in europe and it distanced me from people i was dating or would like to date and i'm not ready for anything and bla bla bla. it was incredible. he couldn't just say gently it's not right for me right now, he had to pound it in with a fucking semi truck without breaks. it's clear to me now how unavailable he is. whatever.

then lizard and i go to her guys show and l. has a severe late problem. she changes her clothes a thousand times, and so we missed the entire thing. and it was their first show, nyc is in the band, lead. so we missed it and she felt like shit, then acted all wierd and distant to the man instead of trying to talk to him about it, she was playing the cool chick which was a fatal move.

my plan: go to show, have frenchy meet up there. indulge in him, go to this vespa party, maybe meet up with this guy friend to have him look at some of my designs, maybe stay in with frenchy.

what happened: missed the show, lizard got hellaciously wierd. frenchy said i'll call you at 8.30 (this was on his way home at 8pm), *never calls.* i have some stuff of mine at his i wanted to pick up, i stop by. he's not there. doesn't call, nothing. i can't believe it. i was crushing on him pretty hard. and just before this, after i get the shit email from 'busy' i'm thinking i should take 29 days OFF OF THe whole issue. but that i should see what happens with frenchy first. there's always an exception which always sabotages my efforts. but now that i got completely disappointed in a profound way, i think i'll take those fucking 29 days.

they say it takes the brain 21 days to break a habit or to create a new one. i'll give and extra 8 for good luck.

seriously, i'm very disappointed. he and i did that picnic/movie thing and he was so excited that it was going on all summer and i started to feel that, i want this type boyfriend thing.

and he was always dropping settle down hints, and he's definately not a player, only likes to date one person.

so i'm floored. everytime i meet someone there is some reason they can't show up. i'm over it.

i give.

i give the fuck up.

and i feel like i'm being dragged into this not dating thing, but i don't have any other answers. i can go try to fill back up and meet new men and feel that excitement and promise and fun again. but for fucking what? to be disappointed *again*? to have to get to know someone again? to retain new info about yet another?

it makes sense, it's not at all what i want to do, at fucking all, it's exactly the opposite. but it is good timing. i need to be doing nothing but working right now anyway. so here goes. but i will say, when i'm in nyc, i hope the 29 days are nearly up as i'd like a cross county affair. june 8th. 29 days to break a habit. not even sure what habit i'm breaking, all i know is that nothing else is working at fucking all. i'm starting to get why people just marry for money or other reasons of logic, then spending the time partying away. it seems about right.

i hope frenchy is okay, it'd be horrible if he was in a car accident or something. i miss him and now it's over. i can't believe he just flat out didn't show up or call. it's truely unbelieveable.