2004-04-18 - 5:31 p.m.

Continued.

So at this party lizard busts me on a serious shenanigan I was about to start. And I�m now glad that she did. As I�m not sure I could of served the dish I advertised on the menu.

I am so fuckin tired right now. I feel tapped. A tree sapped.

So lizard drove me all the home and back with my spare set of keys. At that point I kidnap Miami and we go back. We finally take a �nap� at 6am, and I wake up 2 hours later at 8am for work. I go set up an entire situation for an Earthday event get everyone trained and then leave. I get back and he�s showered and felt slightly abandoned and was about to jet. We go instead to my coffee house, upon which I insist he pretends to be my cousin, cuz these cats are my Italian mafia family and I was so embarrassed to be stumbling in late the next day with some hot boy in my t-shirt and he�s designer suit coat blazer thing. We had a picnic in bed. This is my favorite thing in the world to do. A 23 year old model, food, a good movie in bed.

He�s a real trip.

While he was showering I was listening to him say how much every things changed and how he�s grown up from last year at 22. plzz. He cute tho. His dad was a green beret and a killer for the government and a massive straight faced liar. His mom got with a millionaire, who she found out had six other women who he had full relationships, took on the exact same vacations, bought houses for, forced them to stop working. And he tried to sleep with his sisters mother, he�s dad�s ex wife. I was lost somewhere on the street of intrique and a subtle sense of sisterly protectiveness. Like I wanted to look out for him in some way.

Anyway, I�m feeling sick, but I�m probably dying of some disease he gave me. I kept telling lizard he gave me vitamin c. (hep c). I�ve been falling so far from the purity tree. I remember the time when none of this extension of the self existed. Stories like these would bend my ear in a hot, unbelieveable sweat. Now it�s just another weekend apart of the theatre upon which drama�s are created and acted out.

After my 2 hour night-nap, working and playing with Miami, I went out the next night with �worker� and her new guy and some designer. I met a new guy from Florence at a pre-party. We went out and I smuggled pizza into some bar. Today I have catch up work and a fuckin client which I do not want to do.

I�ve gotten so many leads for the new business I�ve started. I can barely keep up with them all. It�s so exciting and difficult for me to make decisions on it all. I can�t decide if I want to wait until more samples are done and feel put on hold, or if I want to dive in with what I have now. And, here�s the major major, next week I have the mtg on Wed with the Japanese buyer. So I have to have everything tight on what I do have. I have a lot of physical work to do. *NERVOUS*.

I feel fuckin delirious. Dizzy and spent. Honestly, it felt so good to be that wild without a drop of liquor or a hit, puff, or line. Which all was readily available.

I've come down with a severe throat ache from the weekend. I hope it's not strep or something. Now I have two clients that I *really* don't want to work on. It's strickly for money. I rarely enjoy it. The only plus is that we usually watch tv/films. It passes the assinine time.

And btw, I'm really feeling over busy. he writes me this email from iceland talking about how much he drank and how he lost his credit cards and is broke from it and will see me in a couple of weeks. nothing specific about when. and he never comments on what i emailed, which was to say that I don't want to settle down, but enjoy being with being who are capable of it (which i'm not sure he is), and that i want to keep it light with us. I hate him for not responding. I just think I really need to crack this egg when he returns and end it. It's been so nice having him gone. and i don't like his smell, which to me means that i don't respect and adore him. when i'm thoroughly into a man, i'm into everything including his raw scent.

Nothing new is happening with frenchy. I'm not into that either. I'm not into any of them. Not even a woman. I feel like I'm only into work and all of that boo-shyt is just utter caos that distracts me from it and provides vacation time from the hard work and brain strain.

at some point I assume I'll want to settle down. at some point I feel like all of this will fade away and some sense of normalicy and ?routine? will settle in. the more i sense i'm supposed to be moving linearly into that, the further i fall from it. I just don't know how to loose the adventure.