2004-04-15 - 1:07 a.m.

i had a nice evening. went by the frenchy's place. he's so french. his roommate is also french and a dj.

he's so sensual. i love it. and it's a welcome departure from busy whose eyes are always at half mast from exhaustion, booze or distraction. this guy is much more present. he's not afraid to look into my eyes, which makes me nautious.

hahaha.

i have a hard time with the sit still kind of intimacy. i *don't* know how i did it when i was young. the first time i fell madly in love, without reserve or fear. we were one. he tried to fill every slice i had missing within me.

i love the sound of birds. i believe its a mocking bird and she does mock me, changing her chirp sound every four beats, disquising herself as a new bird each time. as if to say, i can't keep up, i can't find her, i can only dream up the body that matches the changing sound.

i'm realizing how much i hate busy. i guess i have some resentment, *already*.

what does french want? papers or something? cuz he throws down some real shit, ei. he wants to settle down in LA, he doesn't like to "date", he only likes to concentrate on one person...he definately throws boyfriend vibe. he's also my age. how odd.

i feel a subtle bitterness twisting within me, like the hardening of honey exposed to too much oxygen. not necessarily bitterness, more like abrasion. more like disappointment, most like cynicism. which i can't spell.

cynicism. in terms of not believing that i necesarily pick better men each time, that i progress. it feels more cyclical and flow than a linear, upward progression of the self.

cynicism because i've experienced too much. seen too much, felt too much and have met and mingled with too many. i forget the essence of one from another. i forget details a new guy has told me. where he's from, how many siblings, what his hobbies are. my retention is like melting ice. i can't seem to hold on to anything. because i slowly care less and the water fills up everywhere and doesn't occupy any specific space, just drowns out everything in it.

i taste, pull for those pure days. when brett, my first love was all i knew. he was everything i knew. each detail was annunciated and important and vibrant and alive and shaking with in me. i needed nothing else. no one else to distance myself from him. i didn't even know what distance was. we were entangled.

i was laying with french tonight and i thought of brett. i thought of how far away i am from the simplicity of him. how he's still in my smaller hometown living a very simple city life. the one i'd be living if i stayed. my life has morphed and liquified.

LA has irrevocably changed me. the people have carved away purity and replaced it with the sophistication of experience, or the dullation of it.

on another note. this adorable chinese girl i see in my home cafe took a flirtacious interest in me and my pomegranite mustache today. she's a doll. works in finance, corporate evaluation. how sexy. i love a feminine woman with power and the gusto to flirt. and i love when two straight women have the strength and security to flirt with eachother. there's just this feeling in her approach.

the turk wants me to pose nude with her for some talented photographer. i don't like visual evidence. there's enough nude photography of me with one ex and i think that may be it, that i can remember. but i would like to shoot her. i'd like to shoot her nude with my line, only revealing select pieces of her and the work.

i do hope you are well. i wonder about your thoughts as you read these words.