2004-04-13 - 8:15 p.m.

i've had a long day. and it's not done. i was up till 5.30am preparing pieces for my business last night. had a mtg about it today that was lukewarm with the contact, but great with another person from japan. tokyo, get the fuck ready, i'm going to tear you apart.

then i had errands DT for the biz, straight to two clients, short break now and off to *another* client and it's nearly 9pm.

and i'm so behind on work it feels sick.

busy is out of town and i'm so fuckin glad. he is a fuckin riot. he has this distracted, protracted arm extending me away, and yet somehow i feel locked into a relationship with him. i feel that kind of energy within our mixing. and he triggers ultra relatia-insecurity in me. i want light. i don't want emotional challenge right now. i want simplicity to compliment my otherwise FUCKING INSANE LIFE. my schedule is packed like sardines. i think what i'll do is distance things, not say anything, just lead with my actions.

and i've got quite the social agenda while he is gone. deeeelish.

so check it out, a couple of weeks ago this wild partner of a millionaire and i went to a party, then crashed another. i kiddnapped this french man who puppy dogged me the entire night. he squashed my play a tad. but he's a keeper, so i let it slide slightly. we went out one night and kissed this "french" kiss. hehhehe. he's a doll. a fantastic kisser. and he called again and said let's go out i said wed or saturday and he said saturday is too far away. i love that kind of response. that's what busy also had said, until he started to get so 'busy' and feel that he already had me or someshit. he nabbed my power like a fish in a wet net. that's why i'm glad he's gone. so i can snuggle it fuckin back. i'm not so hot on busy now, he squeals like a chic when he comes and he said his guy friend looked so cute in his gardening clothes when he came to help install grass. i know what you must be thinking!! i always manage to date gay men.

so i see the frenchy tomorrow night. i've got a really fun social week. i may go out after hanging with him. thursday i've got a screening and this goregous guys birthday at the club. friday night is my millionaire friends bday party and i'm sure it'll be a riot (of which i really want to drink at!! god damn it). and the odd thing is that i'm constantly fucking happy that i didn't/haven't dranken. but i still plan on it and crave it. i'm just scared i'd be irrevocably leaving something that i couldn't get back to. saturday there's another party with lots of boys. and i think that fairly wraps it up. then on monday my favorite cousin flys in from seattle. i don't know how i'll ever fit work into my schedule. hehe. and i have a bunch of earhtday work to do.

i desperately need sleep and sex would be nice too.

but i'm forming a plan, drink at the party friday night, and be able to drink with my cousin when she's in town. then just balance it all. just concentrate on the balancing beam.