2004-04-11 - 10:08 p.m.

last night was one of the most excruciatingly uncomfortable that i've had in years.

i'm on the way to busy's with that mushroom piece uneated on my seat and booze on the brain. ima geek. cuz i called my therapist, who said if i could really balance it then it wouldn't have the power that i'm giving it. i would easily have either water or vodka and it wouldn't have the mental fuel i have. and another friend said, why don't you at least wait until you launch this business. then i called the sweat leader, he's the closest i feel to a 'spiritual' leader. he walks the talk. and he is the most humble, honest, true human being, being human that i know. i respect him entirely. he said that i should base it on the question of what would honor myself. and that when he met me, he knew i had an extremely strong spirit and that i need to give the world my medicine. that he knows compliments can get you temporarily high, but without the inner knowing, they jsut pass on through. he talked of fighting his particular addictions and of self love and that battle. i heard him so clearly. i respect.

i asked him about mushrooms and he said as a tradition for a true vision quests it can be opening, but people also use them as an excuse to get high and escape. that someone addictive may enjoy it and it can catapult a craving for more.

i logisticized my way into drinking. and i still want to. but i'mm fucking grateful that i didn't last night. i would of destroyed myself. it would hhave been the fuel doused ontop of the fire of feelings i was already having.

i think that i have been birthing a whole new inner confrontation. my essential shame. the shame i carry in the cusp on my hands. that i bring everywhere i go, in everything i do.

i know the core of the issue is this shame, this unacceptance of me, as just me. because i am ashamed to not be able to drink. to be different. paul (spirit leader) said that it is the strongest spirits that are different. that do stick out. others temper theirs to fit in. why do i want to keep myself weathered down to be among the many?

this goregous musician at the party announced quite comfortably his sobriety date. prowdly. he wore it well. and i don't think my situatioin is here or there, it's what *i* apply to it. and i apply the shame i paint everything with.

the party was unbearable. there was this bitter older woman who kept making aggressive comments. busy has this *VERY ATTRACTIVE divorcee living with him until she finds a jplace and she was acting like the wife at this party that i am the new girl. she acted so sexy and comfortable with her wine and her fuckin ownership. her executive job and her volvo. the fury was building in me quietly. eating me. the comments. the insecurity. the fact that busy drinks so much and is a busy body running all over, massaging his friends.

let me fucking tell you the most meaningful thing in my life right now. lizard.

lizard is it. and words couldn't say and no one has ever been this close inside.

she got lost on the way there, for a while. was starving, had thrown a rib out and still stuck by my side the entire night. in the most insecure, uncomfortable situation i've felt to date, she was the rock anchoring me. i can't explain how fucking uncomfortable it was. everyone was an important creative type, writers of am's top shows, exec's and they all seemed so copesetic and coagulated together. friends playing music, drinking all around. and i felt so stiff and unfitting. lizard and i finally left with an excuse and went to china town to see a data show.

the minute we got there and i was among my own, my whole self took a deep breath of calm. the art school drop outs, converse kids, atari geeks, punks. the scene was epic. one of the best. essential underground. upstairs of a chinese jazz club. wood panels, tired mexican cocktail waitresses. a geek on the floor doing so sick sound/music mixing live with only a homemade sound board electro thingy. then the best fuckin tunes i've heard in ages. i had to go back to busy's, determined to break it off. nothing about it felt right. one of his drunk friends kept saying, no offense, but get the pool in and we're having a party summer, 20 year old chicks everywhere. etc. i am into 20 year old chics but not into being made to feel like the "girlfriend" who is going to pounce down the fun. amatuer. fucking amatuer.

so i sat busy down and had the it doesn't feel right talk. and he said it was cuz of bitter chics comment. and i said it was everything. he was like why are you doing this and that he runs if he's jealous and all this 'stuff'. the odd thing is that we communicated through it. i got honest about the divorcee and he denied his crush i know he had/has? we got close from actually connecting for the first time. and i finally slept well with him. comfortably. his last woman tortured and fought with him and he's afraid of fighting, says he'll just leave if voices raise. we both have so many walls. i told him to date who ever he wants, he said he isn't dating anyone, to which i quickly said i am. and then smoothed it out with some vagueness. i panicked. i felt this fuck you feeling i always get when protecting my right to defend myself, to push away and pull in.

i can't believe i was resolved to end it and we ended up bonding a bit. snuggled all night. and yet there is this part of me that utterly despizes him already. i like that he said that we all are desperately wanting to feel love and defending against it with walls. i've always pondered that. particularly with age and experience. he said that if i'm 'hunting' then he's not right. that his work and house is most important and eventually he wants to do that, but it's not on his mind. but that he wants to feel swept away. i feel like i don't play enough game to sweep someone away. i want to be swept away. i guess that cinderella story is universal. it bothered me that he is defending against the marriage issue. i like someone who is open. not searching and not defending. i'm not hunting, but i am wanting to be open. i don't have time for a list of relationships. i have time for work and play and getting to know if someone is a partner. of which clearly i think he is not. he's telling me basically that he doesn't want it. he set that up. so fine. i'll give him that. enough space to hang himself with.

iguess he has a script that if it goes his whole life will change. he's already quite successful. but he would direct that one. i jsut don't see how i would fit into 'that' life. i'm just a hard working, honest person. i'm not the anorexic young actress that those director types love to have dangling off their hiding faces behind trucker hat wads. i'm just the real deal. i don't know if he even wants that. or if he wants some package that is interested in making a killing out there in 'that' industry. if he wants someone high, in the climb. i fucking hate the whole latter.

the other night, i met this new guy. the jury is out on him. he's also successful. i think i'll call him back. he's older, 38, ten years older. doesn't look it. he's conservative. and interesting. i strongly dislike conservative human's. that's a reason i really dig busy. he's far left. and he seems to really mean it. not like the phony liberals blanketing this apathetic town.

this party the other night, the famous persons one, was killer. everyone i was with was flying the entire time on such a mix of hallucinogens, smoked coke, and constant pot. i enjoyed speaking to the very famous, very attractive host of the party. it'd be so dope if he called. i couldn't believe that. and here's the clutch: busy knows this guy!! if he ever found out that i slipped the digits i'd be done. done. done. but i had to, i don't carry regrets well, and he did pull me in for a pix and say, your a beautiful woman right into my eyes.

i have so much work to do, work really inks in on my social life. what a down. system of a down.

busy leaves for london tomorrow for two weeks. i hinted that i'd be glad to be flown there for a few to play at night. what a kick, he's not ready for that, and i feel like we are too close for him and he's looking forward to the distance. but if he flew me over, i'd make it into a major biz trip and meet with buyers and see my ex, ben. that would be like heaven. i still love him. i miss the hell out of him and would die to see him again so casually.

i have so much work to do. i think that i wanted the escape. i put too much on me and i was ready to crack under the weight. i need to lighten it. and i still have this inner imperative to drink. this engulfing craving. i remember feeling that last time, and when i drank that first glass of wine, remembering that it wasn't that exciting and that it felt as it always had. like i hadn't missed a beat. anti-climactic. but there's that part that wants the right to balance it. to fit in. and the part that wants to drown myself. to lock down with a bottle of jack and a spritz of coke and some shrooms and lots of wine.