2004-04-04 - 4:03 p.m.

oh shit. i'm just completely unchangeable. no matter how much i work, i seem to sink into the same patch of quicksand heavy at my feet pulling me down into the thick of it.

i'm so spent. i'll make an attempt at articulation, but i'll most certainly fail.

but i have an idea here. i'm thinking since i'm stuck in my head and stuck beating myself up and tearing myself down, and let's say grace feels that way on occasion as well...i propose to have a go at someone else life. have a switch, body, life, job.. maybe i wouldn't carry all that i am into their life.

and it's *not* that i hate my life. we can collectively agree that my life is far from bad. but my head. my spinning spun fucking mind is bad. very, very bad.

and right now i'm under the retention, the enprisonment of my lovely lady mind. here's the thing....

k. so i started to like 'busy.' he had canceled our plans wednesday, partly cuz i needed to make them for late and he's always, well, busy. but that irritated me. then we make a plan for sat, and partly with my girl lizard and some of his friends. but then he mentions yeah we can catch up with some of my girlfriends who have a bday.

granted i already had these surging sensations of calling the whole thing off. of BACKING OUT. i wanted reasons to not like him, to not have to be a grown up and show up. so this pissed me off all to hell. so i call back very casually and say, "hey, i'm giving you an out. it sounds like you have a lot going on tonight and maybe we should make it a friends night and catch up tomorrow."

He: "no no, your my priority, i'm not that close to the bday girl, i don't have to go by, unless you need an out, cuz that's fine if you do."

me: "no, don't give me any outs, i take too many, i'm a bit of a runner."

(or something to that defensive buyer beware type effect). he questioned this later and i was ellusive.

i always try to withhold these hints i drop about my phobia's about how i'll ruin them or such, but then i get a little antsy and out pours the boo-shit.

so we end up going out and i'm pissed that he's out of town again this week writing. pissed that next weekend he's inviting all these people to his house sat. night, pissed that he didn't want to smuggle me away and only spend time with me. then we go to pick up lizard and she's hellaciously insecure and having a moment that busy had to coach her thro about her man at the party we're just about to enter.

he says something like "keep it light with him, have fun, the minute a girl says let's have a talk, i'm out."

and i'm *fuming*.

because altho i'm notoriously abject to committment, i'm a stayer thro. i'd never leave lizard over conflict. i want a stick-stayer in life. it's imperative. imper-fuckin-tive.

later at the party, if a funny way i pull him in and say we'd never work cuz of what he said and he said, no he didn't mean leave, he meant take a moment away and not get right into it tryin to fix something all in one night refighting. okay. i get that. but this sensation about him is now in the marrow of my bones. and lizards guy gave me the no go on this fella. and he is a rock. he's so fuckin solid. he's real and can see real from not. like a brother.

lizard coiffs up enough courage to enter the party and act awkward to her man, guess who is there nyc. the one i'm not speaking to cuz he lied to mutual friends about me jocking him and some other immature boo-shit i can hardly keep pace on. and he's there with his infamous ex wife!! (he's only 26). i'd heard about her for so long and now i finally get to see her. wow. and he's seeing me with busy. first time to see me intimately with a guy. and busy is very touchy feely.

lizard and i walk off for a moment and i walk back and busy is chatting with some goregous, hip, tall, younger blond. so i talk to someone else. i'm not the type to step in and piss on territory. he grabbed my arm trying to pull me over, but i wouldn't budge. it pissed me off. so i walk out side to lizard and her man and some other guy on the patio and make a loud announcement that i'm done with adults. that i'm back to 25 year olds and women. fuck it. done. i'm so mature, you see. it felt like college and that impulsive insecurity and snagging drama. so l's boy starts coughing that shhhh here he comes cough and some other guy slaps busy on the back and says 'are you 25?' and starts to blab off my cover a bit. it was a nightmare moment. a fuckin nightmare night. so i'm so pissed, all i want to do is get tanked.

busy and i leave to meet up with his friends and this is where i can't hide my discomfort over the snowball gaining weight and speed. and i say you should go on without me, drop me at my car, at my party etc etc. what's going on? nothing. he trys to change the subject. he's also had a lot to drink. he convinces me to go swing by this spot, he see's his friends, hug's all the way around, physically picks up a female friend of his, i also see his female friend going thro a divorce that's staying in his place and they are all fucking goregous. literally. adult goregous. thankfully this one woman was really nice to me and talkative and these two guys were chatty. then he invites some of his female friends back to his place and i'm thinking he just doesn't want to be alone with me given that i'm having a real moment. that i'm retreating and he can tell there might be "a talk" coming on. so i refuse to talk about my feelings cuz i could barely understand why i was so off. i felt like an insane person, withdrawing. totally shut down. and i said that sometimes when i'm so honest in this world, deep honesty is deemed as insanity. also i mentioned this

"and i've gotta tell you. when i have sex with someone too soon, i get borred in one week, maybe two. so we need to chill."

he agreed. that pissed me off. cuz i felt like he was saying he gets borred quick too.

then later at his house with us alone. we start to have sex. just that easily. and i'll tell you what is running throu my hamsters wheel. that i'd *like* to ruin it. that i'd like to ensure it gets trashed and burns quick. that i don't know what else to do. it felt like a punishment thing. and having sex at that moment is a sure fire way to ruin it as usual. it can't be pure, he'd loose respect and temptations over me and that building thing.

during this sex i swear i heard him in the thick of it saying "i love you" mixed in with "you feel so good." i get being sunk so deeply in that moment, that you do feel immense outpouring, like love. and he was drunk. one of the five times he said it, i turned and said "what". and he made something up.

all night i found a serial of shit to piss over, and it's either that i'm abomidably insecure, or i'm that terrified to get close so i was working overtime to fucking ruin it. ruin.

*we didn't use protection*. it's as if i have a death sentance. a virtual need to spin myself so low. he tells me that in his last thing he got every test imaginable and hasn't had sex since. that was a month ago. that they had tests cuz they wouldn't use protection. the next morning, after having sex again, we're getting dressed and i fuckin see the corner of a condom wrapper. not ours, clearly. so his maid who cleans every week didn't catch that in the last entire month? did he sleep with this woman at his place? the ex, she's not from in town, so i don't get it. it swept up from under the bed. it really hurt. i wish i hadn't had sex of course. but i was destructive. i might as well drink with the way i act anyway. i felt so empty. we snuggled and such. but something got a bit unlocked and i wanted to squeeze something out of him. i needed something. like i tossed my sense of self aside. the jealousy and paranoia just keeps eating me. alive. and *i'm* the player. god damn it. then i see that his assistant wrote down an rsvp to a major film premiere sayin "plus two, just in case". in case what, exactly. will he bring me? was this note old? i've already jumped ahead to him cheating on me with someyoung actress.

he is a smart guy. he says he likes the way my mind works. one of his first comments about me was that i'm easy on the eyes and he seems extremely attracted, like he's been off dating some less attractive woman. now i find out his ex is a 23 year old blond bombshell that shelled out for his ego and had a perfect body etc.

he's away this week, and wants to be on my side of town next weekend. i feel like i want to party and date and rip some distance in between my tripping head and laying it on him. i don't know if i crave him cuz he's so withdrawn and yet has potential or what. i don't know if i started throwing gaurd becuz i sensed he's not right or if i'm just so afraid.

my very strict germanic grandma is in town and her and my uncle came by to take me to lunch. i didn't have time to clean up and i kept thinking, while with grandma, that i was just having sex hours ago. and to make my life more devastatingly humoristic, my uncle moves this paper i was trying to hide over my computer to check out the computer, and the paper, now fully exposed is from the LA free clinic saying in big fat lettering "free HIV testing".

i retire.

i know that nothing is more sexy than confidence and i know that all i was last night is a ball, a fit, a bonfire of insecurity. i didn't communicate much to him. when i asked if he's ever cheated on someone he said when he was young, but the long term one, (not the 23 yr old), he never wanted to. and i'm thinking i'll never be the one he'll never want to on, cuz i'll manifest it with my paranoia. cuz i know that that woman never wanted to marry or have kids and was ultra independent. and i said i've never had prob's with infidelity cuz i never committ.

i'm exhausted. i know he's working on a deadline. i have to say, i look at his life and for the first time, his lifestyle is something that makes me want to have it work out, and also keeps me at bay in a strange way. but he wants to travel all summer and i'd like to get swept up in that.

i've got so much work to do. i feel like closing myself in till my bday at the end of the summer. i've always known since i was little that everything would happen at the age of 29. that i would get married at 29 and it always seemed so far away and i thought it sounded really late. so i'm thinking that i'll lock myself in till 29. only work and grow this business i now have funding for and not come out until my bday. then it'll all magically

just

happen.

one thing i'm feeling, is newly attached to him and a bit insane over it and ashamed that i slipped and had sex again when i'd have liked to wait and enjoy it more. and that i need to back far far away from this fire and take his own advice and keep it genuinely very light by throwing myself right back into my life. my work and my socialliting.

god damn.