2004-03-30 - 10:59 p.m.

still feeling very "plump". and i want it off

immediately.

and i do nothing much about it on a daily basis, except think a lot on the topic.

i'm irratated cuz the current guy, the good guy, wasn't as enthusiastic as i'd want him to be on the phone. blasted! let's name him shall we? were gonna call him busy, cuz he's work obsessed and always busy and subsequently always a bit too tired. "busy". like a bee.

he's a really good guy. i like him and i like that he's ready and doing all the right things. calls way in advance, asks me out, confirms, is a man about it and yet gentle.

he's an a d u l t. with an adult house and a full life and a real job that he does well with.

it's just wierd, this taste test i'm getting of this extremely particular world, the innards of the entertainment industry. this new friend introduced me to him and she is hands down the biggest networker that exhists. we'll call her "worker" cuz she is always working. she'll tell me about a party and say that i don't think these people that are there will further your career and you don't want to meet people just climbing up the latter, you want to meet executives. here's the interesting part, underneath this wierd point blank what can i get-ism, she is an interesting, strong woman. she's just an all out go getter in terms of getting exactly what she wants. she's ultra networker. and this town's so small. and she's out all the time having drinks with this executive or that, always wanting to meet a particular guy, pedaling through like an desperate, olympic cycler. she knows everyone in town, or is about to, at the very least.

"busy" is also a bit involved in the industry. he was at a premiere the last two nights, tonight i opted not to go in favor of burger madness with a lesbian friend and her lady.

but they are a part of this small spinning sector of the city and i'm not sure i want to be that known. i'm not sure i want to be talked about or sussed up.

i always opt for simplicity. not sure i want to be caught up in that storm.

and i'm increasingly self protective and conscious over the my being a massuese. but i've done this so as not to sell out. so i can be creating and live off of a creative life. that's honorable right?

i'm so behind on my company. and i half started cleaning out my closet and you can't really stop in the middle. but i no longer could walk in my walk in. for years. that's why i stopped wearing underwear..the drawer was at the back of the closet.

simplifying.

so 'busy' cancelled plans tomorrow night to get a good nights sleep after being out too much. i feel fucking slighted. but he said he'd only opt out if he could have me this weekend. i like the sensation that he would want me just to move right in. i want him to want that. he lives

*across town*.

it's as far as could get. we are in the two hot spots of the city, but they are across town. i'm getting borred with my side after six years here. i like him and want to just dive right the fuck into boyfriend mode, but i don't want to stop being able to date, i want to see this french kid and meet others and hang with the turk...i'm a loon.

fuck. back to the closet, now i know why people do coke to clean. this is so ungodly.

oh by the way!!! the other night 'worker' and i went to three art openings. two of which were good, one which was for some angry bulgarian who wouldn't speak to anyone and basically had a perma-scowl. then we went to a lebonesian party which had the best food i've had ever. then to that cocktail party in which i was very unimpressed by the

oh fuck i just had a panic moment about 'busy' thinking on going to a housewarming party of his best friend and how he wants me to meet everyone and i'll feel panicked and paraded and akward to him being to touchy feely and god damn i need a drink already.

so i was not impressed by that guy i went there to meet. he was a fool. cute, but had nothing much to say, he is 38 and the other night was had so much to drink he had to make himself throw up. hi. i did that in college.

then as we were leaving i get a call about a downtown underground. so i motor to meet another friend by myself and it turns out to be this wild sadomasochistic thing. great art, but they put two spears into this guys back, them put hooks through them and he was leavied up four feet off the ground to thrash around and bleed down his back. then some huge boobied woman came by and made out on the floor with him and everyone cheered and felt funny.

god damn, i've gotta get back to my closet. i just feel like throwing everything away, but i'm battling against my born in the great depression spirit.