2004-04-08 - 9:32 p.m.

what that the most diahrea of the mind entry or what? fuck.

well i got my power back by diving into work and meeting a brand new guy before seeing busy again. deferment. works every time. and i know he's wondering why i'm allusive and such.

but i stayed over last night and i have had a tuff time scraping myself up enough to get anything done today. i can't explain it, that shit drains me of self. when i'm purely single, i'm full of life.

i'm just overwhelmed with work. i gave my first press conference and i feel like i did a less than perfect job. how borring it would be to be a cat and eat the same food every day and be in the same location all day.

so busy is leaving for europe for at least two weeks on monday and he only wanted to see me on sat night while he has people over for drinks, sorta for his bday.

i am so over my life right now. it's nine pm i had a horrid dinner with a borring friend i lost the evening work hours, my pile of ungodly late items calls me, frightens me, i have 130 emails to read, dozen's of things on my list, samples to make etc etc e-fuckin-cetera. and i'm mildly obsessed on busy calling me even tho he called this morning after i got home and even tho i know he's on deadline and even tho i'm entertaining the idea's or actualities of other dates at the same time. we aren't committed.

i seriously think it's all too complicated right now. i just want to go to bed and not deal tomorrow. my life would be so much easier if i only had one 'rent' job rather than two. than i could devote everything to building this business. but now my expenses are too high and my ego is too warped to let myself "just" do massage. the second rent job is much more of an interesting dinner party talk job. is that terribly sad. tell me we don't live in that kind of world.