2004-03-06 - 5:53 p.m.

See I just don�t know how I�m supposed to "get off" from my insides only. ei. feel good enough about me,, my life from an internal spring rather than an eternal waterfall or trickle.

I�ve noticed that since I�ve been trying to stop jonesing from outside sources, that I�ve woken up slow and resistant to life. And I�m sick of being up and down based on the influxes of outside forces, guys, work, socialiting�

But it�s impossible. Because I woke up slow again and tossed myself into my coffee shop and ended up meeting �the goldmine.� And now I feel a bit fucking drunk on the joy of it. High again. Which will be collapsible if �he� doesn�t call. It�s becoming less so by my awareness of it. And it�s always deferred by the sheer number of �situations� upon which I entangle myself in. but that just doesn�t feel right anymore. It�s an immature protection, a falisified wall. A way to be so spread thin that I get to know dozens while I intimately get to know no one. And I�ve been realizing that I�m almost there. That my 29th year is around the corner. That I�m slimming down the boo-sheeet. That I really want a partner.

I don�t know why that feels so ridiculous to admit. It�s as if I�m admitting defeat. Or admitting something that will make me unearthingly vunerable.

This guy I met, we will now call the fucking goldmine. Becuz he is. It�s actually shocking to me that I�ve been able to meet two really cool guys that are the new type I want to pick. Ones that I�d consider this whole thing with. He seemed scared at first but then once we oiled the auto and started chatting, we could barely stop. We laughed with ease and comfort and excitement. And here I have this ridiculous coldsoar and he *is* two years younger and I�m always wondering if he�s thinking I�m �wrinkled�. It�s horrible. The trap I live behind. The mental caging. That�s why my photography had always been about caging and bars and metal workings. It�s the unconscious way I�ve felt.

It�s pretty wild when I make the switch inside and really make a decision into the world and commit to it or surrender inside, how it all shifts. All I have to have is surrender and vision of what it could be, without marrying myself to what i think it has to be.

My life is good. I don�t know why I waste any time at all questioning that. i hope i start to wake up with more insight or surrender or ease or umph/fire.