2004-03-04 - 10:56 p.m.

things i like right now. cat stevens and propel orange flavored water (i've had three just now).

and the list of what i don't like is too arduous and spent. so i'll leave it to our collective imaginations.

so there's always those moments when i'm stuck in some overly lit aile of a souless commercialized store, fondling the hard-shelled chocolate easter eggs. pastel colors, crunchy, lasting. wondering if i should stuff them down mindlessly, quieting 'that' place inside of me during the easterly season.

longterm readers know i don't like easter. reference the burning bunny project entry.

i'm running through my mind, saying it *was* so long ago. it was such a simple experience. not violent. but it was the shell that coveted every ounce of shame and admonition of who i am at all. that experience. and every easter season these eggs and my desire to eat them and my unmistakeable aching to purge anything rises if even suddley.

where was my dad?

there's so much my brother doesn't know. so much i feel like calling right now and unleashing.

and then there's always this fight my body has with my soul. my throat clenching back, fighting it in, saying you're obsurd to still feel over *this*. every woman practically is taken of this. aren't they? aren't we? i can't tell you the physical memory of me climbing that red plateau and that asshole there striping me of last ounces of power. i know i'm vague. the past all seems as if it was removed from me. i really don't feel like it exhisted at all. i have no proof. i have no tangible recollection. it's as if i lost my memory and someone told me all of these stories about my past. but all i am is sitting here typing this. and yet i assume that all happened? i can barely recall.

so after allll that drama yesterday, the guy calls from a bookstore that night. i'm just spun cuz my mutual new friend says he's picked up on all the time and that he is really picky. and i don't want to make it about him 'picking' me, as i want to know that i don't know if *he is right for *me*. i do wonder if he likes me. and i'm also so fucking busy i can barely care. today was a ridiculous day. and i got in an argument with my 'boss'. and he was stellarly wrong and i don't know how to reproach it or let it go. and of course, i got a phat cold soar.

i left m a message to call me, i waiver hard between wanting to have sex with him and just ending it. but i'm resolved. i'm ending it. i'll leave that taste of candy unknown to me.

tomorrow, i am driving to register my biz name. i can't believe it, but i'm going to do this. it's absurd as i feel like i desperately want to back out and that my work isn't even good or purchaseable and that i'll run out of umpf or idea's. but i think i'll just keep moving forward cuz they do attract attention.

there is nothing i hate more than getting cold soars. and i'm feeling really pissed that when i slept with the surfer we weren't safe. now i feel like i have to go get a herd of tests. god damn it.

do i ever learn my lesson? let's all just pray that when that full moon blossoms that i bleed.

i'm feeling like i should really start trusting the natural fettering out of guys. all i have to think of is this guy name , ficticiously, nace, and at the time i thought, why didn't he call back, he was amazing, then recently i met his mother and i feel so protected that it didn't work out. what a basket that broad is. the biggest star chasing phony woman i've seen in a while. so i think it's time to start trusting the flow of that river rushing by. and just let go easily of those, those.