2004-03-03 - 3:49 p.m.

i feel so battered by the wind changes of my life. you remember the high of the last entry?

well today, i feel NOTHING but depressed and rejected. i met with a showroom and just know that they'll reject me. i'm feeling it inside. and this work woman today was a total cruelty fiend and then made pretty to my face, which i abhor. i rather deal with honest cruelty in the raw. i hate some cunt who needs to lie on top of it.

then, and here's the part that makes me want to take to the bed and not return to the world until this ridiculous feeling passes...i went out with the eligible adult male last night, and i really liked him. he impressed me by his heart and life.

and i DON'T GET IT.

we had a great time, he sounded so interested in everything about me and we talked forever, but then he yawned and practically booted me out and hasn't done any proper follow up. didn't try to kiss me. i'm fucking crushed. i liked him. i am sick of liking "him's". i'm sick of feeling hellaciously hopeful to feel crushed by a juggernaut.

i'm going to be one of those hopeless sinacle people who clearly gave up and are perpetually single, never able to navigate back into that world.

i just want to know why he doesn't like me. maybe i'm not smart enough for him. he went ivy league. maybe i'm not in the hip set enough? maybe i'm too young and silly? i feel like i just showed up with the most honest me, no games, no spin, and that wasn't enough. apperently i have to game some more. i know i'm wild, i know i play hard, but when it comes to someone of value, someone i could really like, i'm like a raw, unvarnished piece of wood. i'm crushed and i feel crushed that i'm able to let the world effect, no, own me like this. sometimes i'm jsut too sensitive for the churning of the earth.

ps. i'm calling m tonight and cutting it. he's been nothing but unavail and i think i've finally, gentlely gotten that lesson. i 've seriously considered keeping him for sex and distraction, but that's just cluttering. i need clarity and purity. i don't want to treat my inside like that. i don't want to treat another like that. so this just isn't going to be fun. i don't want to sit through this at all. particularly since i'm not running so hard to not feel. now i'm just fucking left with it. and all i want to do right now is take to the fucking bed and admit full depression. my place is a mess and i can't feel afloat when everything is like this. bills behind, mail stacked, i feel behind on every end of my exhistance because of all the work i've had/created.

what sucks? i'm supposed to be going out with the girl who introduced this guy from last night to me and i';m fully embarrassed! i wonder what she'll report back to me, i know whatever it is, i'll torture myself over it! and i just wish i knew what the fuck he is thinking. i wish i could know. my intuition is usually pretty dead on, and i'm guessing it's just because he doesn't see us as a fit. that my energy isn't oxford enough. or that i'm too wild or frayed at the edges. not sure...