2004-02-28 - 3:41 a.m.

i am having the time of my life.

i think this is it. right now. on tralfamador, i think this is the moments in time i'd want to perpetually stay in. lodge myself in.

it has to be.

if uber filling up with impulses and such was my drug, then i had a major, catestrophic relapse these last days.

fucking incredible. firstly, i got into the store. a small buy, but the endorsement of being there, which is huge and i still can't believe i'm even doing this. i'm just waiting for myself to quietly back out of the room.

i'm over m. over the obsession anyway. we're supposed to hang tomorrow and i almost want to let it go. i just see more clearly now.

and i'm all fizzeled.

last night, i went to the two art openings of the year. the first one elton john was there, overstuffed and full of burnt red velvet. kirsten dunst, some super anorexic that does those detective shows among others. it was *a scene*. some fashion mag shot a pix of me and later on i was obsessing on hwo they'll probably put me in the 'don't do' section. also i had the quintessential LA moment. this famous nyc photographer was taking my pix (he takes everyone, it's his compulsion), and in mid, what's your name sentance, he see's dunst and drops me like a lead corpse. hillarious!

then off to peter beards opening and i fuckin love his lunacy and work. blood works. and michelle rodriquez is there and she ends up leaving with my purse and cuff that i hand make. i outfitter her and we chatted clicked pix etc. you know how much i fuckin admire her, remember back to my entries on 'girl fight'? and the stylist that was talking to her pulls me aside and says, hey i'm doing a fitting for lisa marie presley tomorrow, email some designs by 8am.

what? r u kidding me?

so i go to one more party, more on that in a mo, and then go home and stay up till 7 in am making custom shit i think works for her, then photographing it all. he didn't call and i'm thinking, another LA fruit, then 4pm, hey can you drop it in 20, i have to leave right away i thought you were more near by. f*u*c*k.

i jump in the auto and drive literally across town from the beach to hollywood with my tank on empty during notorious friday rush hour. sampson so had my fuckin back. so. so. i got there within five minutes of him having to jet. he loves the work, had one suggestion and dashed off with it. he's helping me cuz he likes my fuck it and go energy. and i love that he's giving me this break. this is the one i give to others who have this attitude. i love it. what an angel proving the exhistance of good in the world.

so she saw my stuff. whether she takes it or not, at least now i have a stylist contact!

k so that party. i was with my artist friend mo, the guy who has some notoriety. and we are such a pair, cuz we roll together, but never quash eachothers play. i fuckin love it. i met this extremely ligitimate guy who i was crushing on. i actually knew him from that wild ass party i worked chair massage at. he's adorable and asked for my number. then this very tall woman who looked like uma thurman was flirting with me and being so playful. german. we exchanged numbers to get a drink b4 my friends next art show. the party kicked.

tonight, on no sleep i forged ahead to a private party at this spot in hollywood. i took the turkish girl. we had some guy friend of her follow us there. we got there and damn she's smokin. hot.

but i ran into friends from the previous night and she introduced me to the most eligible adult male i've met in a century. really the type i want to want. ei., he's over 25, employeed, centered, comfortable in his skin...we talked for a while. it was making the turk uncomforable, but fuck man, i got a job to do doll. also she is in a full rela with a guy she lives with, so certainly she can't bark. she always has girls in addition to her bf.

so we leave and ditch the extra guy, go to a los feliz diner and catch a tuna melt. i love the idea of having a hot girlfriend. the jury's still out on sealing the deal. not sure i can supply, but i'm very curious. she's amazing and also looks like uma thurman, only prettier. turkish from the midwest. strange. elegant, down to earth. but of course you know me, i scale any spot i'm at, so i eye'd this fella that as he left dropped his number to me. and here's the bad part. the i'm a horrible fuckin person part. i was so tired, i forgot the number and pretended to go to the bathroom to be able to go back and get it, but they tosesed it, while i was in the bathroom they gave it to the turk saying i was looking for it, blowing my cover. fuck. i pretended to thro it away. she's so cute and i feel so straight aroudn her cuz i'm shy.

i dropped her off and we just hugged, i think she assumed we're goin the just girlfr's route, but then i gave her a simple kiss on the lips, i was running for the cheek, but landed twice on the lips and she said, you are so cute. and it just felt so natural actually to do it. like, i like you, and it just went there. no make out session. it's cool, cuz that makes it beyond just the pure physical. which can also be complicated, i'm walking very near the fire.

wow. what a couple of days. i'm so glad i am single. thank god i never settled down. i'm crushed, i have to be up in a mere few hours to fuckin work on some clients! i'm extremely strapped for cash, like in college where i wonder if the card will pass thro. so it's off to work i go!

i'm feeling tonight, like it's all possible. these big dreams.

ps. i'm terribly pissed at nyc. he's pulling a lot of bad crap. the most selfish manipulative crap ever. all he wants is to know where the 'party' is and doesn't hear anything else, then wants me to chauffer him everywhere and say's 'i see how you do' if i don't answer his call just when he wants me to. i'm done. i need serious space. i'm loosing a lot of respect for him. he is very consummed. and extremely manipulative, he turns stories to fit his immediate needs. i can't take him. his manipulations are starting to feel like bland and constant lies. it's almost an illness. i dont' want to speak to him for as many days as possible.

:*)i'm glad i went out tonight.