2004-02-19 - 3:23 a.m.

it's hard to explain all right now, but i've grown some clarity.

clarity on EVERYTHING.

all of my little nuances and inner workings.

i feel well.

i've let go of it all with the 'he's' of life and i'm committing to working on 'me'. so cliche, but really where i'm at naturally. not in a forced way. m is showing up, were both very honest. but i'm just consciously not going there for the first few weeks of therapy, so that i don't make it all about senseless inebriation in a distraction. so that i get deeper with me.

also i'm going to be mtg with LA buyers and i don't want to be intangled in anything while i'm branching out in that way. i want to surge ahead on my own. it feels right.

lizard nyc and i just went out to swingers. the town all night tonight was dead. streets as empty as apple pie after the fourth of july. so quiet tonight. like the rain washed away all the caos and need of the town and left only the survivors.

i really enjoy that nyc is an all night town. i hate feeling that people aren't on my boat. that i'm the only one up. i like the energy of constant vibing. of constant rolling like a snowball gaining speed and size.

this town is so amateur in that way. fucking closed.

i was so down before. so depressed. i guess it's good cuz it made me wake up to how dependent i am on whether 'he' works out. on whether 'he' called. etc. now i feel like i hav to be with me and really learn that and not jones on the guy.

on a side note. the turkish girl and i have plans to go out tomorrow night!! hmmm. i wonder how i'll feel about that given i'm attempting to sustain drama. nyc wanted to stay over tonight and i wouldn't let him. he's too insane. his web is so tangled.

but her. i really don' tknow if i could go there. i don't know if i could go down on a woman. i know, your shocked after all of my jock talk. haha.

but really. like it's all saucey and shit. how do you deal with all the pieces and offerings. not so sure about that. i'd have to be really sexually into someone, and yet i *certainly* don't want to be emotionally into some one and don't want them to grow feelings for me. i'd hate to see this girl want to depend on me or want to fall in love. the last one years ago wanted to become serious and i had nothing to offer but disappointment.

but i am up for the adventure.

always

stay tuned for another day of our lives.